» 70s Lights! Camera! Vegan!

The Jerk

It happens twice a year. I hear a thump at the door, and the dogs start barking. I shuffle to the door, open it, and see it lying there. I reach down, pick it up, and start hopping up and down and exclaiming “The new phone book is here, the new phone book is here!”

I have been quoting The Jerk for at least 25 years, getting excited about the phone book, describing the only things I need, talking about my special purpose, singing about thermoses so much that my husband actually bought me a vinyl striped thermos off of ebay…I better stop now before this entire post is just quotes and a recipe link.

Navin R. Johnson is a bum who wants to tell us his life story, starting with him being abandoned on the doorstep of a family in Mississippi. Navin isn’t a ‘jerk’ because he’s mean, but because he’s really naive. He’s so naive that he has to be told he’s adopted by his mom, even though he’s the only white person in the family. Later that night, he hears a song on the radio that compels him to leave home and strike out on his own. After acquiring a dog named Shithead, he ends up with a job at a gas station, where many wacky hijinks ensue, causing him to join a carnival where he meets the girl of his dreams, and loses her…then gets her again…then loses her…it’s a little tiring but at least there’s a sweet ukelele duet involved. Despite the fact that he’s incredibly dumb, Navin manages to strike it rich and everything works out okay in the end!

The Jerk is often put on ‘funniest movies evar’ lists, for a good reason. I think it holds up better than a lot of movies from this era and is just as funny today as it was when it came out.

Starring Steve Martin (who?), and Bernadette Peters (Annie, Broadway, Smash).

I’ll confess, I was going to do this movie two years ago. I found two oven-safe ‘cups’ (stoneware bowls with handles) and made two layer pizzas in them, but the top layer came out un-cooked and gross and I couldn’t put up a Cup O’ Pizza recipe that didn’t work. When I say the Maximum Salad video for the vegan pizza cake, I was like ‘ohhhhhh, of course you would pre-bake the inside crust’. So thanks, Wes and Jessica!

If you don’t have oven-safe cups or don’t want to put the effort in, try this easy recipe: buy a frozen vegan pizza, heat it up, cut it, and place the slices in a cup. DONEZO.

Don’t forget your twinkies, and a Tab to wash them down.

posted: September 30, 2014
under: 70s, comedy
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Coal Miner’s Daughter

I may be ignorant, but I ain’t stupid!

My affection for Coal Miner’s Daughter runs pretty deep. It was often shown on cable when I was a kid, so I watched it a lot when I didn’t like whatever titty movie Up All Night was showing that week. Also, my grandpa was a coal miner (and a farmer and a World War II vet, I am full of pride). If you do it at the right time of the month, you can make me cry by playing the song that the movie title comes from.

Coal Miner’s Daughter is the award-winning biopic about Loretta Lynn, from her childhood in a poor family in Kentucky to the height of her success in the early 70’s. Most of the movie focuses on her often rocky marriage to Doolittle Lynn, who she married when she was only fifteen. It seemed like she was doomed to a life of raising babies and keeping house for a drunken husband until he gives her a guitar for their wedding anniversary. I’m pretty sure you know that this turned into a really long music career with lots of big hair and sparkly gowns. But maybe you don’t know that Sissy Spacek and Beverly D’Angelo (as Patsy Cline) did all of their own singing! Sissy won quite a few awards for her “dumb hillbilly act”.

Starring Sissy Spacek (Carrie, Big Love), Tommy Lee Jones (Men In Black, The Fugitive), Beverly D’Angelo (National Lampoon’s Vacation movies, Entourage), and Levon Helm (from the band…The Band).

Entree: Since Loretta Lynn is a real person, and she has a cookbook, I was able to find out that one of her favorite meals is Chicken and Dumplings. (No squirrel meat here, sorry Loretta.)
Side: I don’t know what your favorite southern side is, but mine is fried okra, always and forever.
Dessert: I do NOT recommend substituting the sugar with salt in your chocolate pie, we can only take the authenticity of our movie dishes so far.

posted: October 17, 2012
under: 70s, drama, period piece
12 Comments on Coal Miner’s Daughter


The plot for Phantasm sounds so ridiculous when you describe it: flying spheres that drill into your brain? A creepy tall guy, who can make you see things that aren’t really there, snatches corpses so he can shrink them down and send them to his home planet to work as slaves? What?

Yes, the premise is pretty silly sounding, but the Phantasm series has several things going for it.

1. Angus Scrimm as the Tall Man. He is TERRIFYING just being him! He towers over everyone and always looks like he just sucked on twenty evil lemons.
2. The shrunken former dead people are creepy, shuffling about in their tiny brown robes like the Jawas in Star Wars.
3. Unlike most series where at least one actor wants nothing to do with the following movies, all of the cast members reprise their roles (except for the second one, where the studio made the director recast the role of Mike for a better-known actor). For me, that is really important because I usually can’t handle it when movies or tv shows try to pull a Darren. Don’t ever get me started on that Katee Sackhoff/Rose McGowan switch on Nip/Tuck.

The four movies are all kind of the same in that the main characters are Mike and Reggie, and they are trying to stop the Tall Man from doing what he’s doing, stealing corpses and killing people and being a creepy old bastard. So unlike other horror series, instead of a different group of people going through the same situation over and over again against the same antagonist, this is a whole story in four parts.

Fun fact: Angus Scrimm is 6’4″, but to look even taller for this role he wore suits that were too small and platform shoes.

While no one in this movie ever got famous, Angus Scrimm has had a decent career and Reggie Banister (who plays…Reggie) is a Scream King if there ever was one.

We’re going balls-out for this menu! Instead of three courses, you can just have plates of balls as far as the eye can see, and people can take whichever ones they want. One thing that would help you with this is if you had the Panda With Cookie zine, Ballin’ and Baggin’.

Savory balls: Mushroom Rice Balls, Carrot Oatmeal Balls, Swedish Meatballs, Cheeze Ball to be eaten with crackers.
Sweet Balls: Sweet like Hannah Truffles, Besan Laddoo, Buckeye Balls, Raw Pumpkin Donut Holes, Coconut Almond Rum Balls, Granola Balls, and Ice Cream Balls for Reggie, the ice cream man.

posted: October 30, 2011
under: 70s, horror
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Carrie is a really popular movie, even if you haven’t seen it you probably know what it’s about.  It’s been lampooned and referenced a million times.  For that reason, I am going to jokingly describe it as a movie about a god-fearing, loving mother who just wants her daughter to stop being such a whore.  But her daughter is also possessed by the devil, so instead she gets asked to prom by the hottest guy in school and it’s totes awesome.

Carrie was the first movie ever adapted from a Stephen King novel, and it’s definitely still one of the best.  Unfortunately, Stephen King has licensed his books for a zillion shitty (mostly made for tv) movies.  I still haven’t forgiven him for the tv movies of The Stand and IT.  The movie is pretty faithful to the book, they only change a few things (Carrie is supposed to be ugly, fat, and zitty), and the only thing I really wish came across better is that John Travolta’s character is  supposed to be really fucking crazy, but since that’s conveyed via his inner monologue, I guess that was kind of hard to show in the movie.

Also featured are Piper Laurie (Twin Peaks), Nancy Allen (Robocop), PJ Soles, Edie McClurg, a delightful array of feathered and poofy hair, and boobs when women with ghastly implants weren’t the only ones getting topless in movies.  No one ever gets topless in movies anymore!  I blame the internet, they know screen caps will end up on Oh No They Didn’t while a bunch of cranky teenagers point out every mark and nipple hair.

Entree:  Amazingly, this is my first devil joke:  seitan chops smothered in apples and ginger (In the movie, Carrie says apple cake gives her pimples).

Side:  Roasted beets with balsamic glaze.  Anything red will work for the period joke, really.

Dessert:  Peanut butter chocolate brea–I mean, pillows.  (I chuckled for days over that one!)


posted: October 6, 2011
under: 70s, horror, teen
11 Comments on Carrie