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Josie and the Pussycats

 

Okay, I think we’ve established that I am no fine art cinema connoisseur.  But there are even movies where I say, “That looks incredibly dumb and i’m not watching it.”  Josie and the Pussycats was one of those movies.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I was alone with my friend’s alcoholic mother, who I was deeply afraid of and who wanted to watch it, I never would’ve seen it.

Josie, Mel, and Val have big dreams of being rock stars, but the reality is that they’re playing in bowling alleys and Alan M, the hottest guy in Riverdale, is clueless about Josie’s feelings for him.  They’re discovered by a record executive who needs to replace a boy band that he just offed, and they’re whisked away to The City to get makeovers, record an album, and help brainwash the youth of Americ–I mean uh, be totally jerkin’.

Josie and the Pussycats heavily makes fun of the music industry, from the amazing fake boy band to the over-the-top corporate sponsorship that goes on these days.  You might see the Hostess sign in the picture above them, or them drinking coffee at Starbucks and think ‘ew, product placement’, but when you look at the Target-themed plane and room, and the McDonald’s themed bathroom, you have to realize the joke (also the movie received zero compensation for all of these product placements).

At times, the movie even makes fun of itself.  When they’re flying to The City, Alexander (the band’s manager, if you aren’t familiar with the comics) looks at his sister (who hates Josie) and says, “I still don’t understand why you’re here.” and she says, “I’m here because I was in the comic book.”

The cast is also quite wonderful, with several award winners.  Alan Cumming (X-Men 2, The Good Wife, more awards than you can shake a stick at), Rosario Dawson (Kids, Sin City, Rent, Death Proof, nominated for many awards), Gabriel Mann (Revenge, The Bourne Movies), Rachel Leigh Cook (She’s All That, Perception), Paulo Costanzo (Road Trip, Royal Pains), and super-funny Missi Pyle (The Sarah Silverman Program, Big Fish, Betty Bee in Pushing Daisies).  Tara Reid, god bless her, has never played a role better than the space cadet hippie who cries over puppies getting old (the quote on my twitter profile is one of her lines from the movie).

I’ll let Seth Green represent DuJour with a single move.

The soundtrack did way better than the movie, and with good reason.  It was produced by Babyface (who also has a cameo in the movie as The Chief), vocals were provided by Kay Hanley of Letters To Cleo, and people like Bif Naked and Jane Wiedlin contributed.

Entree:  One packet of ramen does go a long way, but grilled ramen will go even further because it’s a whole meal!

Dessert:  When the going gets tough, the tough make lemon(ade) cupcakes!

 

 

 

posted: September 26, 2013
under: 2000s, comedy, kid friendly, teen
1 Comment on Josie and the Pussycats

Dazed and Confused

 

AIR RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAID!!!

Dazed and Confused is about the last day of school/first day of summer break in 1976, that focuses on the new group of seniors and some of the incoming freshmen. Even though there’s a 20 year difference, some of the movie reminds me of my teenage years. Driving around, listening to…probably the Dazed and Confused soundtrack…being a pothead, looking for a field to drop a keg in. What, did you think I was going to say I was covered in mustard and ketchup and/or chased down and beaten by seniors?

The thing with the initiation, which one of the characters even comments on as they’re watching it (“They clearly have permission to use the parking lot, they’re selling concessions…”) is that it seems to be a totally sanctioned town activity for older teenagers to drive around, capture, and beat the younger ones with wooden paddles all summer long. The girls have it much easier because not only is their hazing being yelled at, having food dumped on them, and a drive through the car wash, but their hazing lasts for one day and it’s voluntary.

It’s weird to say this, but Dazed and Confused has two of the best ‘perpetually high’ performances ever: Rory Cochrane and Matthew McConaughey really nail the body language of people who are stoned so often that you can’t even tell when they’re not. Matthew McConaughey explains his character inspiration briefly here.

Starring Jason London (Carrie 2, The Man in the Moon, his twin was the one in Mallrats and Party of Five), Adam Goldberg (crazy Eddie on Friends, The Hebrew Hammer), Anthony Rapp (Adventures in Babysitting, Rent), Matthew McConaughey (Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, Tropic Thunder), Cole Hauser (Good Will Hunting, Pitch Black), Milla Jovovich (The 5th Element, Resident Evil and other ass kicking roles), Joey Lauren Adams (Chasing Amy, The United States of Tara), Parker Posy (Party Girl, Scream 3), Nicky Katt (Planet Terror, Boston Public), and some dude named Ben Affleck as the poofy-haired asshole that no one actually likes.

Entree: Sunflower Mac, Zig Zags are optional.
Side: There’s a lot of beer in this movie, so take your pick: beer battered pickles,onion rings, or zucchini.
Dessert: Why climb the Moon Tower (and possibly fall off, smacking your head on every beam) why you can just make and eat moon pies?

posted: September 25, 2013
under: 90s, comedy, drama, period piece, teen
1 Comment on Dazed and Confused

Empire Records

Empire Records is a movie about a day in an independent record store in the 90’s.  My dad owned a record store when I was a teenager (and drove a hearse), and despite what you may think it didn’t make me popular or cool, I was actually ridiculed about it from 7th grade up until I switched high schools.  Luckily, this movie plays into the idea that working at a record store is cool as shit and it’s full of hip, hip people with a buttload of problems.  But who cares about that?  Not I.  Not on Rex Manning Day!

On the same day that one of the employees sells $9,000 and they all find out that their beloved store is being turned into a chain ala Tower Records, a washed up pop star is coming to the store to promote his new album.  And then there’s head shaving, shoplifting, Gwar hallucinations, college pressures, and lots and lots of music.  Because you know.

Empire Records was panned by the critics when it came out, but fans love it.  They celebrate Rex Manning Day (I just watch the movie and make brownies).  There is a special ‘fan edition’ dvd that includes the Rex Manning music video and a whopping extra sixteen minutes of footage, most of which I honestly think should’ve stayed out.  If you’ve never seen the movie and can’t pick out what the extra footage is, if you find yourself wondering why they’re blathering on about bullshit for no reason, it’s probably an extra scene.

It has been done before and it has been done since, but a woman shaving off her hair on camera for a movie is always bad ass.  It’s not just about making yourself less ‘pretty’, I constantly hide behind my hair so shaving my head to me is the same as walking around topless.  Right after this, Robin Tunney filmed The Craft so her hair in that movie is 100% wig.

While I was poking around last night I found this list of who’s who in Empire Records, so instead of listing them off i’ll just link to that.

Bonus:  if you are a fan of Grease 2 this will either ruin or make your day.

There is limited food and food inspiration in this movie, i’ll admit, so we’re dipping into the vast (and awesome) soundtrack to help!  Eddie brings in a pizza at one point but honestly, you can only use a random pizza so many times.

Appetizers:  The Cranberries + Cracker = Cranberry Herbed Crackers.  I’ve never made my own crackers but that recipe seems pretty simple.  Serve with blue cheese dip (the buffalo bites have no reference to the movie but there’s no reason you can’t make them too, or anything else you want to dip).

Cocktail:  Gin Blossoms + The Martinis = Dirty Gin Martini.

Dessert:  There is only one thing (okay, two things if you want to make Happy Rex Manning Day cupcakes) to make:, some ‘herbal’ brownies.  Actually i’m noticing that everything in this menu has herbs of some sort.  Substitute pot wherever you want, just don’t watch Gwar videos while eating it.

posted: September 24, 2013
under: 90s, comedy, drama, teen
4 Comments on Empire Records

Ghostbusters

Ghostbusters:  the title explains the premise.  I love Ghostbusters.  When we were little, my brother and I would act out scenes with his friends in our attic.  I always had to be Dana explaining how the eggs cooked on the counter and I hated it because I wanted a cooler part.  I remember attempting to pull a sheet out from under a bunch of random stuff piled on the dining room table and we couldn’t even get ‘and the flowers are still standing’.  I still have our original Slimer toy and as you probably know, I named my cat Gozer (and then bought a Gozer action figure when it came out and made him pose with it for many pictures).

Ghostbusters is a classic story of boy meets girl, girl gets possessed by a demon and turns into a hellhound…okay, so that’s not even close to the entire story, but sometimes I feel a little silly trying to explain the plots of movies that everyone has seen.  I will say that I enjoy the fact that when Louis is possessed, he becomes an unkempt, drooling mess and when Dana becomes possessed, she gets a flowing outfit and takes the time to heavily contour her face.

As for the sequel, I really enjoy it but it gets pretty mixed reviews overall.  Rick Moranis has been doing interviews for his new album and when someone asked him about Ghostbusters III, he dissed the sequel, which made me sad.  All I have to say to you haters is 1.  Carpathian Kitten Loss and 2.  Peter McNichol.  I will say that the baby-on-the-ledge scene is incredibly stupid.  I will also say that the DOS game that came out for both movies were really hard and ruined my childhood.

Starring Harold Ramis (who is actually more famous for writing movies like this one, Caddyshack, SCTV, and Animal House), Dan Akroyd (SNL, Blues Brothers), Bill Murray (SNL, Caddyshack, Zombieland), Ernie Hudson (Oz, Law & Order), Sigourney Weaver (Alien(s), The Cabin in the Woods, Copycat), Rick Moranis (Honey I ____ed the Kids, Little Shop of Horrors, retired from acting), and William Atherton (Bio-Dome, Die Hard, has no dick).

Optional appetizer:  if you have the ability to find it and the desire, Sophie’s Kitchen makes smoked salmon, and i’m sure the brie won’t be too warm.

Entrees:  Take the last of your petty cash and have a Chinese food feast!

Dessert:  The only specialty baking pan I own is a twinkie pan, in this instance I would fill the twinkies with straight Ricemellow.

Beverage:  No matter what you eat or don’t eat the next time you watch Ghostbusters, you absolutely have to make your own Ectocooler.  A lot of people on the interwebs say that Hi-C’s Orange Lavaburst is almost identical to the original Ectocooler if you mix it with tangerine juice, but it’s yellow so you still have to tint it green to really get the proper ambiance.

 

 

 

 

posted: September 21, 2013
under: 80s, comedy, kid friendly, sci-fi
1 Comment on Ghostbusters

Pretty In Pink

If I had to wear a dress like that, i’d have permanent bitchface too.

I don’t usually do this, but i’m going to complain about Pretty In Pink.  I used to say it was my favorite Brat Pack movie, and then I saw Some Kind of Wonderful and it slid down to number two.  Now, I think I might straight-up hate it.  Every time I watch it, I like it a little less and this last time I spent half of the movie yelling at it.  I find all three of the main characters completely loathsome and if I could jump into my tv and smack them all, I would.  They’re all whiny douchebags in their own way, Andie’s shrill crying, Duckie’s way past cute and balls deep into annoying, and Blane could be replaced with a wet towel and no one would notice.  Also, how are they going to tell us that Andie is some amazing fashionista when everything she wears I could’ve pulled right out of my mom’s closet, and then her big ‘creation’ looks like THAT?

The eternal question of ‘Duckie or Blane’ is bullshit, because the answer is:  Steff.  You take Steff up to his super fancy hotel room that his dad is paying for and you hate fuck the shit out of him.  And then when he passes out you shave off that feathered hair because, why, James Spader?  Why was your hair bad in almost every movie you made all the way up to Stargate?

The supporting cast is awesome though.  Iona, Dad, Benny, Steff, Jenna, and Simon are all great.  And I like Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy, just not in these roles.  If you’ve ever seen Teen Movie, I think the character that parodies Duckie really isn’t much of a stretch.   I might be biased though because I had my own Duckie in high school, and yes I went to prom with him but only because he guilted me into it and I had the flu and then he took me over to a friend’s house so I could watch them play video games in a basement and that’s why I wouldn’t be your girlfriend, dick.

Starring Molly Ringwald (80’s queen, The Secret Life of the American Teenager), Andrew McCarthy (Lipstick Jungle, Weekend At Mannequin’s), Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men), Annie Potts (Ghostbusters, Joan of Arcadia), Harry Dean Stanton (Big Love, The Avengers) James Spader (Boston Legal, Stargate), and Kate Vernon (BSG, Malcom X).

Entrée:  You can make a stir fry, or a curry, but you have to use mock duck (found in cans at your local Asian grocery) and for my menu I decided on this Spicy Mock Duck Sloppy Joes.

Side:  Something has to be pink, so how about pink (from beets) mashed potatoes?

Dessert:  Since we are to be reminded over and over that Andie is poor and therefore everyone rich hates her, we are going to make a wacky cake, and Andie doesn’t like eggs anyway.

posted: September 20, 2013
under: 80s, comedy, drama, teen
1 Comment on Pretty In Pink

Showgirls

 

Showgirls is one of the accidentally greatest movies EVER MADE.  EVER.  It has a cult following, especially in the gay community.  One of the more notable adaptations is Show Girls In Drag, which stars Willam and Detox from Rupaul’s Drag Race.  There was also an off-broadway musical.  Why?  Because Showgirls is so bad, on every level from the writing to the acting, that it is absolutely hilarious.  On top of the badness, it had a huge budget, the director of Robocop, and some pretty well-known faces in the cast.  Everyone involved thought they were making an amazing movie, right up until it flopped hard.

Nomi hitches a ride to Vegas in pursuit of her dreams of becoming a dancer – and the first person she meets steals her suitcase.  The second person she meets, however, lets her move into her trailer and she does get a job as a dancer, of the private variety.  And wouldn’t you know it, her roommate is the seamstress for the big show at The Stardust!  I’ll bet that’s going to come in handy but in a very roundabout way.

Eventually, Nomi makes her way out of the strip club and onto the big stage, with help and simultaneous interference from the lead, Cristal.  Cristal Connors is like the Ghost of Bitchmas Future to Nomi, showing up to dispense wisdom, snort coke, call everyone darlin’, and make sexual advances while putting Nomi down and really messing with her life.  Over the course of the movie we learn that Cristal and Nomi have pretty much an identical past and identical methods of pushing their way to the top.  Can Nomi out-bitch Cristal and take her spot, though?

By far, the most ridiculous and hilarious scene in Showgirls is the pool sex scene where it appears that someone might be tasering Elizabeth Berkley from off camera.  I showed this movie to my friend Robie once and she laughed so hard, it made me laugh harder and I fell off the couch, and after we were able to breathe we rewound it and watched it again.  Here’s a little animated (obviously NSFW) .gif of the scene, you can tell that Kyle MacLachlan is really having a hard time holding onto her.  Not to mention that the waterfall is going right into her face.  I can only assume this was choreographed by the wet dream of a 13-year-old boy.

I’ve never seen Showgirls 2, but here’s a review written by someone who loves Showgirls just as much as I do.

(P.S. If you do decide to watch this movie, fair warning that there is a violent rape scene in it.)

Starring Elizabeth Berkley (Saved By the Bell, she’s so excited), Gina Gershon (Bound, Rescue Me), Kyle MacLachlan (Twin Peaks, Portlandia), Glenn Plummer (Sons of Anarchy, ER), Alan Rachins (Dharma and Greg, L.A. Law), and Gina Ravera (The Closer, ER).

Onto our menu, which is free of any puns related to bare breasts!

Entree:  Who says you can’t have a burger AND brown rice and vegetables?

Side:  I’ve never heard Caesar sing, but I have been to The Forum before (I did not buy a dress at Ver-sayce with lap dance money).

Dessert:  Sad fact time, I have lived and breathed on this earth, in the midwest even, for 32 years and I have never had puppy chow.

Cocktail:  I don’t usually include drinks, but if you drink alcohol will probably improve your enjoyment of this movie tremendously, so have a sexy, wet, Tornado.

 

posted: September 19, 2013
under: 90s, comedy, drama, so bad it's good
7 Comments on Showgirls

The Goonies

 

The Goonies is one of the most beloved 80’s movies of all time that i’m sure you’ve all seen 5-500 times, but for the sake of putting down words:  Some douchebuckets are going to tear these kids’ houses down so they can expand their country club, and after finding a treasure map in Mikey’s basement they decide to go find this treasure because what else are you going to do on what is possibly your last day together?  Play Scattergories?  Not tie your brother to a chair with his own workout equipment?  Pass!

Of course, there can’t be a treasure hunt without a family of murdering criminals and the deformed guy they keep in the basement, older brothers, stupid jocks, and bats.  But it’s all worth it for the badass pirate ship!  Did you know that the pirate ship was 100% real?  All of the inside shots were also from the ship, not a set.  When the movie was finished, it was demolished because no one wanted to take it home.  I have never been so disappointed in the human race as when I learned that no one wanted a FREE PIRATE SHIP.

The song that Cyndi Lauper wrote for the movie was turned into one of her epic, wrestler-filled videos:

 

Starring Corey Feldman (all of those other awesome 80’s movies, Ascension Millennium), Sean Astin (some movies about walking, Rudy), Josh Brolin (Planet Terror, Jonah Hex, Men In Black 3), Anne Ramsey (Throw Mama From the Train, Scrooged), Joe Pantoliano (The Matrix, The Sopranos), and Robert Davi (Die Hard, Profiler).

Entrees:  Mouth may have been an idiot, but he had the right idea in asking for (Seitan) Scallopini and Fettuccine.  If you expect to run around in underground tunnels all day, you need to carbo-load.

Desserts:  You can make easy Rocky Road Brownies, or you can make your own Baby Ruths to throw at people.  P.S.  I love it so much that someone made vegan Baby Ruths in homage to The Goonies, specifically.

Normally I don’t ask for specific comments, but please leave your favorite Goonies quotes in the comments so I can quote back at you and we can nerd nerd nerd.

 

posted: September 18, 2013
under: 80s, action, comedy, kid friendly
6 Comments on The Goonies

Parenthood

 

I get claustrophobic just looking at that many people in one frame.

Parenthood is a movie in which Steve Martin is convinced that he has the most fucked up kids of all time and therefore has very low self-esteem as a father.  Throughout the movie we see that his three siblings all have their own issues with parenting, despite outward appearances. I think the lesson is that raising kids suck no matter who the parents are or what problems the kids do or don’t have.

Also this is the 80’s so there are jokes about vibrators and blowjobs and one of the kids problems is that he masturbates all day (but as Keanu says, “That’s just what little dudes do.”).  Don’t worry, most of those jokes will go right over your kids head!

I know I am kind of phoning this one in but you will have to take my word for it that Parenthood is a very funny movie and even though I watched one whole episode, I can tell it’s way better than the tv show.

Starring Steve Martin (The Jerk, Planes Trains & Automobiles, happy feet), Mary Steenburgen (Back To The Future III, Wilfred), Dianne Wiest (The Lost Boys, Edward Scissorhands), Rick Moranis (Ghostbusters, Little Shop of Horrors), Tom Hulce (Amadeus, The Hunchback of Notre Dame), Martha Plimpton (Raising Hope, Pecker), Keanu Reeves (who?), and Joaquin Phoenix (Walk the Line, Earthlings).

And here is a mini-reunion of the kids in the film:

Entree: Please remember to put your retainer in a safe place, aka not on the table, before you eat a pizza (more cheese is better to properly mimic the kind of pizza you would get at Showbiz, five pounds of grease is optional).
Side: Luckily, no one ever made me play second base…or go to a ball game at all…but I hear that soft pretzels are very popular baseball game foods!
Dessert: Cowboy Gil – as in GUIL-ty – cookies.

posted: September 16, 2013
under: 80s, comedy, kid friendly
2 Comments on Parenthood

Fanboys

Who’s ready for a road trip to 1998?  Remember that year, before you knew who JarJar Binks was?  That was truly the age of innocence.  Unfortunately, we can never go back.  Fortunately, I was never that invested in Star Wars to begin with so I was able to say ‘that sucked’ and move on with my life.

In case you didn’t know, Fanboys is about a group of friends who decide that they’re going to drive to the Skywalker Ranch and break in so they can see The Phantom Menace before it’s released in theaters.  Why?  Because one of them has cancer, and if your friend has cancer you help him break into George Lucas’ home.  If I had cancer I would hope that all of you would join me in a van stuffed with bags of vegan marshmallows, destination Rob Thomas’ house.  As you can guess, many wacky hijinks ensue and many cameos are to be had.  I think the nerd van is AMAZING.

This film isn’t without issues, though.  My biggest one is that Kristen Bell, who packs a whole lot of funny in a tiny person, is sorely underused and misused as the token female who is only there to get the stupid guys out of trouble and serve as a love interest.  I’m not very fond of the ‘oh we’re in a gay bar so your threat of anal rape is a total joke on you’ thing either.  The threat of man-on-man rape as an emasculating joke is really tired in general.  Also the sheer amount of Rush.  Although I guess it makes sense that the character who reminds me a lot of Booger from Revenge of the Nerds would be a Rush fan.

My favorite part is when a guy covered in Star Wars tattoos, and a costume-wearing Trekkie, both played by Seth Rogen, meet in the middle of a giant brawl and fight each other.  I believe this is what they call a metaphor.  Although do Star Wars fans and Star Trek fans really hate each other that much?  Everyone I know likes both or just doesn’t care that much about Star Trek.  Although the characters make fun of the Trekkies a lot, they also take a few jabs at the Phantom Menace, including ending the movie with one of the characters asking the others, “What if the movie sucks?”

Starring Jay Baruchel (Undeclared, Tropic Thunder), Dan Fogler (Take Me Home Tonight, Balls of Fury), Sam Huntington (Being Human, Detroit Rock City), Chris Marquette (Freddy vs. Jason, Joan of Arcadia), Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars, Heroes, loving sloths), and honestly so many cameos that you can read the list on Wikipedia if you’re interested.

So you can guess that this will be a Star Wars themed menu, right?  I was hoping to find veganized versions of the recipes that appear in the Star Wars cookbook, but unfortunately there isn’t much.  However, I found two posts with many pictures of Star Wars themed parties that include simple-yet-awesome themed foods here and here.  I mean, come on, Jabba the Hummus?!  How could you not.  The second link is a family who doesn’t eat red meat so they had Chew-Boca burgers.  Vegans, how did we not think of this stuff first?  Do we need to go stand in a corner?  Maybe it’s because i’m so easily impressed by anything punny.

 

 

posted: September 12, 2013
under: 2000s, comedy, period piece
1 Comment on Fanboys

Drop Dead Fred

 

Meet Lizzie, an emotionally repressed woman who lets her mother control her life and looks like a life-sized American Girl Doll.  She is so used to submitting to other people that she ends up in a relationship with a man who treats her like dirt, leaves her for Bridget Fonda, and all she wants in life is to get him back.  She moves back in with her mother, into her unchanged childhood room, where she discovers the box that housed her childhood imaginary friend, Fred.  She untapes the box and nothing happens.  End of movie.  Just kidding, he pops right out and declares that he will help Lizzie do whatever will make her happy, which she thinks is getting her douchebag boyfriend, Charles, back.  Throughout the movie, we see flashbacks of Fred and miniLizzie battling Mega Bitch, aka Lizzie’s overbearing mother.

Now obviously, because Fred has Lizzie’s best interests at heart, he really doesn’t want her to get back with Charles and ruins every attempt.  Because Lizzie is stupid, she doesn’t take the hint and instead decides to take her mother’s advice and starts taking pills to get rid of Fred and gets back together with Charles.  Although it’s supposed to be a comedy, this movie is psychological as all get out.  To quote the Entertainment Weekly review, “The creature who is visible only to the woman is like a poltergeist energy of her repressed self, a problematic ego container into which her powers of assertion and creativity were poured and stored.”  Is Fred really real, or is he Lizzie’s way of asserting herself?  You’ll have to watch the movie to find out!  The most important thing this movie taught me is that if someone breaks your heart, you should wipe a fresh booger on their face.

 

If this is making you wonder, “What happened to Phoebe Cates?”, she married Kevin Kline, had two kids, and then retired (save one movie in 2001) to raise her kids and do other things.  Or maybe she really hated Princes Caraboo and it soured her on acting for life.

Starring Phoebe Cates (Gremlins, Fast Times at Ridgemont High), Rik Mayall (The Young Ones), Marsha Mason (The Goodbye Girl, The Middle), Tim Matheson (Animal House, Van Wilder, The West Wing), Briget Fonda (Jackie Brown, Single White Female), and Carrie Fisher (um, you know).

Entree:  I’ve come down with a bad case of cornflake (crusted seitan) disease!

Side:  Lizzie declares she is going to make Charles The Most Romantic Salad Ever.  I don’t know what she was putting in it, but I think something called Aphrodisiac Salad works.

Dessert:  No, we are not making pants pie.  If you like coffee and booze, there’s a recipe for Manhattan Mud Pie in Vegan Pie In The Sky, but for something simple that looks like mud, stick with Chocolate Pudding Pie.

posted: September 12, 2013
under: 80s, comedy, kid friendly
4 Comments on Drop Dead Fred

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