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Mermaids

Artists rendering of my typical Friday nights.

Mermaids is probably written off by most people as just a chick movie, and if you’re one of those people you’re missing out on a really funny movie. Although there are some tears, and a few moments where vaginas all hug each other, Mermaids is way more comedy than dramz. Our narrator, Charlotte, tells the story of her ‘free-spirited’ mother (Mrs. Flax) who moves them every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, never serves anything that isn’t a finger food, and dresses like a teenager. Naturally, Charlotte rebels by aspiring to be a nun and being so uptight, she could swallow coal and crap out a diamond. Her little sister, Kate, takes all of this much more in stride and seems to largely ignore the clashes between her mom and her sister. Of course, Charlotte falls in love with Jake Ryan and this really conflicts with her desire to be the polar opposite of her mother. Meanwhile, Mrs. Flax catches the eye of a local shoe salesman who is way more into her than she ever lets herself be into anyone. And Kate holds her breath a lot. For a brief while, everything seems to be going well, which can only mean things are going to get fucked up, and HOW.

While Mrs. Flax is presented as a cool, hip lady it doesn’t take much reading between the lines to see that she’s actually a big coward who runs from her problems and truly growing up. Charlotte is a total spaz and her inner monologue of telling herself to shut up while she word vomits to Jake Ryan about nuns taking showers is something I can relate to. In the end, the two manage to rub off on one another, and the movie ends with them dancing and singing Jimmy Soul. Awwwww, vaginas.

This movie also produced one of the few covers that I think blows every other version out of the water (sorry, Aretha).

Starring Cher (Mask, Witches of Eastwick), Winona Ryder (Heathers, Reality Bites, all of those Tim Burton movies),Bob Hoskins (Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Hook), Michael Schoeffling (Sixteen Candles), and itty bitty Christina Ricci (Addams Family, Pecker, The Opposite of Sex, on and on) in her film debut!

Entree: Get yourself some star-shaped cookie cutters and make some unmanly sandwiches! Charlotte just makes boring meat-cheese-mustard sandwiches which you could easily recreate with tofurkey slices and vegan sliced cheese, or you could make some fancy-ass Cucumber Avocado Tea Sandwiches.
Side: Remind Charlotte that she’s Jewish with these latkes, that can be finger foods. Also they have FLAX seeds in them lol/puns/I am hilarious. Alternately/also, you can make swedish meatballs.
Dessert: Usually I try to keep specific products out of my dinners with movies, but I think we can all agree that it’s marshmallow kabobs or GTFO. Get yourself some Dandies or Sweet and Sara marshmallows, a box of Dots, maraschino cherries, and if my eyes are telling me right, some cut up vegan candy bars (like Go Max Go) and some spearable cookies and put them all on kabob sticks. Then say “Ugh, I am going to die.” And then eat them anyway.

Bonus: I found an awesome Pinterest board that’s all vegan appetizers!

posted: October 18, 2012
under: 80s, comedy, drama, kid friendly, period piece
8 Comments on Mermaids

Coal Miner’s Daughter

I may be ignorant, but I ain’t stupid!

My affection for Coal Miner’s Daughter runs pretty deep. It was often shown on cable when I was a kid, so I watched it a lot when I didn’t like whatever titty movie Up All Night was showing that week. Also, my grandpa was a coal miner (and a farmer and a World War II vet, I am full of pride). If you do it at the right time of the month, you can make me cry by playing the song that the movie title comes from.

Coal Miner’s Daughter is the award-winning biopic about Loretta Lynn, from her childhood in a poor family in Kentucky to the height of her success in the early 70’s. Most of the movie focuses on her often rocky marriage to Doolittle Lynn, who she married when she was only fifteen. It seemed like she was doomed to a life of raising babies and keeping house for a drunken husband until he gives her a guitar for their wedding anniversary. I’m pretty sure you know that this turned into a really long music career with lots of big hair and sparkly gowns. But maybe you don’t know that Sissy Spacek and Beverly D’Angelo (as Patsy Cline) did all of their own singing! Sissy won quite a few awards for her “dumb hillbilly act”.

Starring Sissy Spacek (Carrie, Big Love), Tommy Lee Jones (Men In Black, The Fugitive), Beverly D’Angelo (National Lampoon’s Vacation movies, Entourage), and Levon Helm (from the band…The Band).

Entree: Since Loretta Lynn is a real person, and she has a cookbook, I was able to find out that one of her favorite meals is Chicken and Dumplings. (No squirrel meat here, sorry Loretta.)
Side: I don’t know what your favorite southern side is, but mine is fried okra, always and forever.
Dessert: I do NOT recommend substituting the sugar with salt in your chocolate pie, we can only take the authenticity of our movie dishes so far.

posted: October 17, 2012
under: 70s, drama, period piece
12 Comments on Coal Miner’s Daughter

Stand By Me and Revenge of the Nerds

Aside from being released in the 80’s and being total sausage fests, Stand By Me and Revenge of the Nerds don’t have a lot in common, so let’s divide them up!

Stand By Me isn’t a straight-up comedy like Revenge of the Nerds, but it does have its funny moments so I think they aren’t a total odd couple. The movie is based on a Stephen King story, and while it doesn’t have a lot of the out-there supernatural elements that a lot of Stephen King movies do, the writing, characters, and the fact that it’s set in Castle Rock scream ‘Stephen King’. (Sidebar, if you ever need to distract me for a good 45 minutes, ask me to talk about the Stephen King books that have been made into movies and how they compare to each other and the original material. It usually ends with me writhing on the floor, screaming about how The Stand and IT got done so dirty.)

Four kids, all who have their own issues, set out to find a body they heard was located on a river bank. They want to find it so they can be report it to the police and be the heroes! Unfortunately, two of their brothers are in a gang of dickholes who have the same idea. The kids hoof it like they have a ring to toss into a firey pit, dealing with junk yard dogs, leeches, and trains along the way. Some demons are battled and some comic relief is had, and they all come home a little more grown up.

Starring Wil Wheaton (Star Trek TNG, king nerd of the internets), Corey Feldman (almost all of my favorite movies, f’reals), Jerry O’Connell (Sliders, Crossing Jordan), and River Phoenix (My Own Private Idaho). Kiefer Sutherland (Lost Boys, 24) plays the head of the greasy gang.

That’s what almost every party i’ve ever been to has ended up looking like.

Revenge of the Nerds is a story or triumph. A group of nerds are bullied by a fraternity at their new college, and they never stop fighting back. It is also a story of boobs, fart jokes, and loads of offensive stereotypes. Everything that makes a great comedy! Most of the movie was improvised, including the running card playing gag between Takashi and Booger. Throughout the movie, the jocks hit them with shitty pranks and dickery, and the nerds hit back with their smarts and their own dickery. Dickery all around! But it all ends with a heartwarming speech and the bad guys losing so, that’s really all that matters. Oh, and the musical competition:

Starring Robert Carradine (Lizzie McGuire, being a part of the famous Carradine family), Anthony Edwards (ER, Top Gun), Timothy Busfield (The West Wing, thirtysomething), Curtis Armstrong (American Dad, Boston Legal), Michelle Meyrink (Real Genius, The Outsiders), Ted McGinley (Married With Children, Happy Days), John Goodman (Roseanne, The Big Lebowski), and James Cromwell (American Horror Story, Six Feet Under, being vegan and awesome). A lot of the nerds are famous FOR playing these characters, so you will often see them in small parts and recognize them from this movie. Curtis Armstrong probably gets more guest spots on tv shows than any of the other cast members.

The food that ties these two movies together, is pie. If you do decide to use this movie menu, I recommend you stop eating before you actually get to the pie eating contest in Stand By Me.

Entree:
Whether you’re on a great adventure to find a body, or you’re busy partying with the Omega Moos, you need something that doesn’t require a plate or a fork. The answer: hand pies, hand pies, empanadas. Make a variety and you’ve got a party in everyone’s hand!
Dessert: There are approximately one hojillion vegan pie recipes on the internet that you could make, if you want to stay true to the menus make a cream pie and a blueberry pie.

If none of those appeal to you, here’s a pretty inclusive list of a variety of vegan pies.

posted: October 13, 2012
under: 80s, comedy, drama
7 Comments on Stand By Me and Revenge of the Nerds

Fried Green Tomatoes

Someone pointed out to me that for Clue I should’ve done something with plums and mustard because, duh (I felt pretty dumb). If you have any suggestions for the movies I post, including specific links, feel free to post them! The more ideas, the merrier.

Although most of my favorite movies do involve blood and boobs, I wanted to do a wide range of movies this year. Fried Green Tomatoes is one of the few ‘chick flicks’ that I like, and I think it’s because it’s not some ridiculous love story where we’re supposed to believe that making out in the rain is romantic or some shit. It’s about friendship, food, and maybe…a little murder. Crap, even my chick flick involves murder. I tried, okay?

Fried Green Tomatoes is set in two time periods, current day (1991) and Alabama in the 1920-40’s. While visiting an old folks home, Evelyn meets Mrs. Threadgoode (Ninny) and they strike up a friendship. Ninny tells Evelyn stories from the 20’s and inspires Evelyn to do something about her unhappy marriage and life. The stories are about a tomboy named Idgie and her relationship with her brother’s fiance, Ruth.

There are good times and bad, wacky hijinks and run-ins with the KKK. Eventually, Idgie and Ruth open The Whistle Stop Cafe together, which is where the title comes from. And since this is a chick movie, there’s some sadness that will make even my black heart cry after the 18th viewing.

One interesting tidbit is that the movie left out the romantic relationship that occurs between Idgie and Ruth in the book. It’s implied that Idgie is a lesbian, but that’s as far as the director took it.

Also, the town my sister-in-law lives in has a street called Towanda and I think it took at least a dozen visits before I got screaming “TOWANDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” out of my system as we drove past. No, I did not ram anyone’s sports car while doing so.

Starring Kathy Bates (The Office, Misery), Jessica Tandy (Driving Miss Daisy, Cocoon), Mary Stuart Masterson (Benny & Joon, Some Kind of Wonderful), and Mary Louise Parker (Weeds, The West Wing).

Let’s get our menu from some awesome southern ladies!

Entree: If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll know why eating Susan’s famous Barbecued Seitan Ribs is worth a chuckle. Heh, cannibalism.
Side 1: I mean…duh.
Side 2: I don’t think they’re are specifically mentioned in the movie, but when you want a green vegetable and you want it southern, you can’t go wrong with collards!
Dessert: While looking up a recipe for a different movie, I found out that there is actually an entire blog dedicated to veganizing recipes from the Whistle Stop Cafe cookbook! I thought this Frozen Fruit Salad looked interesting, if you don’t want to mess with agar you can make a peach cobbler for Ruth’s time spent in Georgia.

posted: October 4, 2012
under: 90s, comedy, drama, period piece
10 Comments on Fried Green Tomatoes

Kill Bill (1 & 2)

You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.

So i’m sure even if you haven’t seen Kill Bill (for some unknown reason like you don’t own a tv and you can’t put dvds in your computer and you never go to a friends house who has a dvd player or you just hate movies), i’m sure you know what it’s about. In a word: revenge. Uma Thurman (aka The Bride) wakes up from a coma after being shot in the head. Everything she had before, gone. So she makes a list, checks it twice, and goes on a revenge killing spree!

I believe this movie (i’m lumping both together as one here) is what some random newspaper quotes would call a “non-stop thrill ride”. The blood and gore are over-the-top ridiculous on purpose, as an homage to 70’s martial arts films. I want to keep gushing but we would be here all night so 1. Check out this list for a refresher on why you should watch Kill Bill rightthehellnow and 2. I can’t believe they left off the Pussy Wagon!

Starring Uma Thurman (Pulp Fiction, Batman & Robin), Lucy Liu (Ally McBeal, Charlie’s Angels), Vivica A. Fox (Set It Off, lots of tv), Daryl Hannah (Blade Runner, Splash), David Carradine (Kung Fu and many, many other things) and Michael Madsen (Resevoir Dogs). P.S. If you like listening to Michael Madsen talk as much as I do, he has done a lot of movies and many of them are available on Netflix, I recommend The Killing Jar.

Entree: This movie is a pretty big Captain Obvious as far as menu selection goes, so it will come as no shock as I present a video on how to make sushi. It’s fun, easy, and makes a great party food! If you’re stuck on the basic veggie roll, here are some fun ideas to try.
Entree 2: Udon Noodles with Sesame Umeboshi Sauce and Tofu, a salty dish for the rock salt that get’s shot into The Bride’s chest.
Dessert: My grandma took me to my first wedding when I was a kid, and they served Red Velvet cake. Ever since then, that’s been stuck in my head as THE wedding cake.

posted: October 3, 2012
under: 2000s, action, drama
8 Comments on Kill Bill (1 & 2)

May

We’re going indie horror today! May is kind of a modern take on Carrie (ironically, the main character is played by the same woman who played Carrie in the tv movie remake). It is about a lonely, weird woman who had a rough childhood because of her lazy eye, which she finally gets corrected. When she meets people she does whatever they do to please them, and like most delicate souls, she gets crushed repeatedly. And then she snaps. Oh, and her best friend is a doll.

The “horror” part is absent until towards the end, there is a lot of build-up to the bloody rampage that ensues at the end. Unlike a lot of horror movies, May actually has a decent cast, good writing, and all that jazz. It is, dare I say it, a good film! Everyone should watch it, even if you are not the horror movie type.

Starring Angela Bettis (Girl Interrupted, Carrie remake, Dexter), Jeremy Sisto (Suburgatory, Law & Order, Clueless) and Anna Faris (House Bunny, all of those Scary Movies).

Entree: One of the things that May does to impress Jeremy Sisto is to take up smoking, so how about some smoky tempeh bacon (scroll down)? Make a double batch because like cigarettes, tempeh bacon is highly addictive.
Side: While thinking up menu ideas, I thought of this ‘I Do Win Friends With Salad‘ shirt, obviously there are a million salads to win friends with, Susan and Isa both have many delicious recipes that would complement the tempeh bacon.
Dessert: You know the real way to make friends is to share food, and I was happy to find a vegan recipe for Amish friendship bread! P.S. Before anyone gets testy about the mention of using eggs OR egg replacer at the bottom, that is part of the instructions you would pass onto your friends, who may or may not be vegan, to finish the bread as they please.

posted: October 26, 2011
under: 2000s, drama, horror
4 Comments on May

Ginger Snaps

You may notice that a lot of the movies i’m posting are straight-up slasher films.  I KNOW.  It’s not that I don’t like movies about various creatures (zombies are getting their own special post), it’s just that I don’t have a thing for werewolves or vampires in particular, no matter how shirtless or sparkly they may be.  I thought Underworld was boring, An American Werewolf In London does nothing for me (please don’t throw things at me), and The Howling series is okay, I guess.  Silver Bullet was one of my favorite childhood movies, but I couldn’t think of a menu for it.  Thankfully, Ginger Snaps is awesome, easy to build a menu around, AND is a werewolf movie, providing a little variety!

Ginger and Brigitte are two sisters who have no friends but each other, and a morbid outlook on life.  Things start to change when Ginger a) gets her first period at 16 and b) gets attacked by a werewolf.  She becomes increasingly more brazen and bitchy as the movie goes on, and Brigitte becomes increasingly horrified that her sister is turning into such a hobag.  In this movie, it takes awhile for someone to transform fully into a werewolf, so while Ginger slowly appears more wolf-like, Brigitte tries to find a cure or a way to slow down the process, wacky hijinks ensue, you know.

The movie spawned two sequels, the second movie was just as good, if not better than the first (I don’t want to say too much because the plot automatically spoils the end of the first one).  The third movie is a prequel that takes place in the 19th century, and is pretty much just like the first movie.  It’s not bad, but it’s not that interesting.

Mimi Rogers is the most famous person in this indie Canadian flick, Katherine Isabelle and Emily Perkins are mostly for playing Ginger and Brigitte.  They’ve both been on Supernatural (Emily was the superfan Becky Rosen), and they played sisters in Another Cinderella Story, which is a Disney movie that I will never, ever watch.  Emily also played the abortion clinic receptionist in Juno, and Katherine was the girl who liked to drink and smoke in Freddy vs. Jason (p.s. she has used a body double for every nude scene she’s ever ‘done’).

So what’s a growing wolf who has cramps going to eat?

Entree:  I can usually tell my period is coming by my sudden desire to eat a bag of Tings and a whole shelf of dark chocolate, but this seitan in mole sounds much more healthy and delicious.

Side:  How can you fit carby, salty, and sweet into one food?  Spicy sweet potato fries, of course!

Dessert:  I suppose you could just make gingersnap cookies, but why do that when you can make pumpkin pie with a gingersnap crust and bourbon sauce?

posted: October 8, 2011
under: 2000s, drama, horror, teen
4 Comments on Ginger Snaps

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