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Hocus Pocus

Amuck!  Amuck amuck amuck amuck a–oooof!

I thought it was time for another family-friendly movie, and I don’t think there’s a better Halloween kiddie movie than Hocus Pocus (sorry, Halloweentown fans).  The witches are a little scary but more goofy than anything, there’s an adorable talking cat, a cute boy, and the bullies get what’s coming to them.  And despite being a PG movie, I think most of the jokes are pretty funny.  The movie received a lot of bad reviews when it first came out, but after years of being in heavy rotation on the Disney channel it’s now a cult favorite.  Also, it’s Bette Midler’s favorite movie that she’s even done!  I would wager a guess that her least favorite is Drowning Mona.

Trivia bite:  The song that Sarah Jessica Parker sings in the movie is an Edgar Allen Poe poem, not an original song.

Back in the old days before tofu, three sister witches are sucking the souls out of children, and they turned one into a cat who can’t die, because they’re meanies.  They were hung, but left behind a curse that if a virgin lights a certain candle, they can return and have one last shot at living.  Like that Margaret Cho joke about Charlies Angels, there’s the sweet one (Mary), the smart one (Winifred)…and then there’s the ho (Sarah)!  Naturally, some silly virgin lights the candle, gets yelled at by Binx the talking cat, the witches return, wacky hijinks, etc.

P.S.  No matter what you might think, Max is not the hero of this movie.  Binx is the hero!  Viva la Binx!

Since witches are all famous ladies, let’s look at the rest of the cast!  Omri Katz  doesn’t act much anymore, but we’ve all seen plenty of Thora Birch (American Beauty, Ghost World).  Ernie (aka Ice) is the bully-turned-out-and-proud football player Larry from Buffy, and Doug Jones (Billy) has played many other made up creatures, including one of the Gentlemen from the Buffy episode Hush.  Sean Murray (the human Binx) is a main character on NCIS.  Penny Marshall and her brother Garry play a married couple, the witches think Garry is their ‘master’.

Entree:  I was really happy when I googled ‘vegan witches stew‘ and one immediately leapt out!

Side:  You don’t really need a side with a stew, but how about this pumpkin spice cashew cheese dip with your favorite vegan crackers or some raw veggies?  Baby carrots can even be carved to look like fingers if you want to be creepy!

Dessert:  Did you know there’s a blog all about being a spooky vegan?  I actually discovered this while doing my pre-MoFo research, check her out!  And try out these awesome Halloween-themed sugar cookies.  Another option would be to just eat some vegan Halloween candy or some of the seasonal Sweet and Sara marshmallows, straight out of the package.

posted: October 16, 2011
under: 90s, comedy, horror, kid friendly, teen
7 Comments on Hocus Pocus

Friday the 13th

Yep, i’m tackling a biggun tonight!   Despite constantly being panned by the critics, Friday the 13th has spawned nine sequels, one mash-up (Freddy vs. Jason), and one boring remake that it thankfully seems they will not be adding to.

So why do they keep getting made and why do people keep paying money to see them?  Jason, of course!  His deformed face that only a mother could love, when covered by a hockey mask, is so familiar to us all.  Also even though there are some truly bad movies in the series, Friday the 13th never went the funny route.  Jason himself has remained scary, mostly because he is a big-ass dude who doesn’t talk, he just chops you in half.  Also, who doesn’t worry about being murdered in the woods by a maniac?  Unlike pod people or werewolves, that is something that could happen.  Probably not by some dude who drowned in a lake and who doesn’t seem to die, though.

Fun fact for those who don’t know:  Jason is NOT the original killer.  So if you haven’t seen the first one, you still have a chance to be surprised.  But the general theme of (almost) every movie is that teenagers get killed in the woods because they’re all drinking, drug taking fornicators.  Isn’t that always the case?  Horror movies were a way more powerful tool at keeping me a virgin than any birthing video in junior high.  If you have sex, you die.  Actually, even if you don’t you’ll still die, because Jason doesn’t stop to hand out sexuality questionnaires and cups to collect urine samples.

My personal favorites are the third one (3-D, the goofy Shelley, bikers!) and the fourth one (Corey Feldman, Crispin Glover’s unique dance style!).  Because of the fact that I actually want you to read this blog, if you would like to see a ranking of the films from best to worst that I pretty much agree with, here you go.  If not, onto the menu!

Entree:  What camping-friendly food will satisfy and is vegan?  Vegan tater pigs!  Tater pigs are hollowed out baking potatoes with a sausage in them, then they’re dressed like a normal baked potato.  I learned about these from a ppker, there is no real recipe.  I used an apple corer to hollow out two baking potatoes, scraping the insides until a Field Roast frankfurter would fit inside.  Then we wrapped them in foil and baked them for about an hour.  In the meantime, I made some bacon bits using Joni’s method, a cashew cream sauce, and steamed some broccoli.  We also threw some cheddar daiya on top.  Split them open and pile on your toppings!  These are a meal in themselves so you don’t need a side, especially if you add broccoli.

Here’s Brian’s so you can see what they look like without a mound of broccoli.

Dessert:  What kind of desert does a teenager on the (literal) run through the woods carry?  Trail mix cookies, of course!

 

 

 

 

posted: October 15, 2011
under: 80s, 90s, horror, teen
12 Comments on Friday the 13th

Child’s Play

(I’m dedicating this post to the 8-Bit Brigade Child’s Play raffleChild’s Play is a gamer-run charity that provides toys and games to sick children in hospitals around the globe, your money goes straight to them and every dollar gets you one ticket into a nerdtastic raffle where you can win video games, swag, and all kinds of fun stuff.  Please check it out!)

So you may not know this, but once upon a time, Chucky was not a big joke.  He was seriously scary, especially if you were a little girl who had already been scarred for life by dolls in other horror movies (thanks, Poltergeist).  In the first movie, Chucky barely speaks for most of the film, and when he does, he isn’t making jokes. I can’t watch anything else that Brad Dourif (Chucky) does because it freaks me out so much.

A single mom finds out that she can buy this season’s hottest toy, a Good Guy doll, from a bum in a back alley just in time for her sons birthday.  Coincidentally, this is the same doll that a serial killer transferred his soul into, as he lay dying in a toy factory.  This is revealed right away to the audience and quickly to Andy, the son, but obviously no one believes him.  And then the fun and killing begins!

Since there are so many sequels i’m just going to quickly list each movie, who is in it, and where it ranks in the series.

Childs Play:  Starring Catherine Hicks (mom from 7th Heaven) Chris Sarandon (Prince Humperdinck from The Princess Bride, the voice of Jack Skellington), Brad Dourif (Deadwood, LotR, my nightmares), and DinahManoff (Marty from Grease.  The best movie of the series, number 1 out of 5.

Child’s Play 2:  Andy goes to a foster home, for some reason the powers-that-be decide to turn Chucky’s burnt corpse into a new doll.  Recycling is bad sometimes.  Starring Christine Elise (above, who will always be crazy Emily Valentine from 90210 to me), Andy and Chucky are the same, and supporting cast includes Grace Zabriskie (Twin Peaks, Big Love), Beth Grant (Marianne Marie Beattle from Wonderfalls/Pushing Daisies, doubts your commitment to Sparkle Motion), and Greg Germann (Allly McBeal).  The gore is upped, Chucky talks more and there is a little camp but it’s still a horror movie and not a horror comedy.  2/5

Child’s Play 3:  Released less than a year after the second one, Andy is now sixteen (obviously played by someone different) and off to military school.  I went to see this in the theater with my brother and I remember being very confused at the explanation of how Chucky has been remade AGAIN, so for you:  his body is melted down into plastic or his blood drips into melted plastic and that is used to make new dolls.  Again, recycling is BAD.  Also, wouldn’t that make a ton of Chucky dolls if he was infused into a huge batch of plastic?  Whatever, this movie sucks!  Starring a bunch of people who would probably rather not be named.  The weakest movie of the series in my opinon, 5/5.

Bride of Chucky:  The brains behind Chucky decided to give up on making serious movies.  Chucky is turned into a joke, sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s not.  This is definitely for the people who like ‘so bad it’s funny’ movies, which is what they seemed to be going for anyway.  Starring Jennifer Tilly (Bound, Bonnie from Family guy, my dreams), Katherine Heigl before anyone cared, and with special appearances by the late, great John Ritter and Alexis Arquette when she was still doing male roles.  Not my favorite movie, but good for a laugh.  3/5

Seed of Chucky:  A continuation of the last one, this is just as ridiculous but somehow way worse.  I don’t know exactly why because you think that they would be about equal since the style is the same and they are TRYING to be as over-the-top and cheesy as possible, but it just doesn’t work as well.  Possibly because they get all meta in this one, Jennifer Tilly plays herself, starring in a Chucky movie.  And then the dolls come alive.  At least there’s more Jennifer Tilly to look at in this one?  Billy Boyd (Pippin from LotR) co-stars, Redman (the rapper) and John Waters (if you don’t know who John Waters is, gtfo) have small parts.  Some people think this one is worse than the third one, but I think this one is just a squeak more better.  Just a touch.  Probably because it has Jennifer Tilly.  4/5

Finally, the menu!  Let’s eat some kid-friendly food from some awesome vegan parent bloggers!

Entree:  Nuggets ala Joanna, with some agave mustard dressing for dipping.

Side:  A cheesy cream casserole chock full of vegetables, just like mom never made!  We ate our broccoli plain and limp.

Dessert:  In honor of Andy’s birthday, how about a german chocolate birthday cake?  If you are not a coconut fan, try the best chocolate chip cookies i’ve ever had.

 

posted: October 14, 2011
under: 80s, horror
8 Comments on Child’s Play

Maximum Overdrive

This probably isn’t surprising, but that truck gave me nightmares when I was little.

The basic plot of Maximum Overdrive is that a comet that is passing by the earth has turned all of the machines into self-aware murderers, and it will take seven days for the comet to pass the earth, when it will be safe for humans again.  It should come as no surprise to you that Stephen King wrote this story.  It was also his first and last foray into directing, and that is because this movie is BAD.  But what can you expect from a movie with killer cars and appliances?  If you like blood, Emilio Estevez, AC/DC, Yeardley Smith (Lisa Simpson) playing a really annoying character, and a high body count, this is a movie for you.  I just really wanted to do a truck stop menu, and most of the movie takes place in one.

Entree:  Truck stop food is usually just a big bunch of grease, but I was able to find a healthy take on frito pie.  For speed, you can use canned vegetarian chili.

Side:  To me, no trip to a truck stop would be complete without some sort of potato, so how about some oven-baked steak fries?  You could also make some oven-baked onion rings.

Dessert:  Could it be anything but a milkshake?  Obviously you can take any ice cream and toss it in a blender with a little non-dairy milk, but here is a list of combination ideas, complete with drool-worthy photos!

posted: October 12, 2011
under: 80s, horror
3 Comments on Maximum Overdrive

The Lost Boys


Ah, the 80’s.  When vampires were a little more rock n’ roll and a little less sparkly.  I don’t know when it was decided that all dude vampires had to be lady-whipped by teenage girls.  And I am a big Buffy fan, but shit gets old!  Anyway, I think that Kiefer Sutherland makes a perfect vampire, he’s almost as good at it as he is at asking people where the damn bomb is.  I also love that for whatever reason, the vampire gang in this movie has clearly killed the wardrobe stylist from Guns N’ Roses and stolen all of their clothes.  But there are two things that truly, madly, deeply make this movie great.

1.  The Corey’s!  Corey Feldman and Corey Haim making a movie together = magic.  This was their first film together, and I think the only one where they don’t play BFFs. Also, even though most of the movies they made together were fluffy and kind of dumb, at this point both Corey’s were known for being talented child actors.

2.  This guy, right here, for being so, so 80’s.  I can’t embed the video, but you won’t be sorry.  P.S.  The guy on stage really is the guy who is singing and playing the sax, he’s not an actor faking it.

Tale as old as time:  moody teenage boy moves into town with his little brother and single mom, boy sees hot girl, boy tries to hang with tough guys in order to impress hot girl, boy ends up being turned into a vampire.  But like Ginger Snaps, there’s a chance to be cured!  Luckily, little brother Corey meets two dudes who give him a comic that tells him everything he needs to know about vampires.  Thank god for comics, or the whole family would’ve been fucked.  Support your local comic store!

Also starring Jami Gertz (Less Than Zero, Kimmy Bishop on Ally McBeal, Alex Winter (the blonde half of Bill and Ted), Diane Wiest (Parenthood, Edward Scissorhands) Jason Patric (not-Keanu in Speed 2), and Edward Herrmann (Gilmore Girls, Oz).

The first sequel is pretty terrible, but there is another sax man in it.  I haven’t seen the other sequel, i’m sure it’s just as good as the other one.

This menu is obvious if you’ve seen the movie…if not, one of the most famous lines from the movie is, “Maggots, Michael.  You’re eating maggots.  How do they taste?”  Just a heads up.

Appetizer and Entree:  Baked spring rolls and low-fat lo-mein, mmmm mmmm!

Entree #2, because you’re probably going to share anyway:  Pineapple thai fried rice, delicious!

Dessert:  To keep with the chinese food theme, make your own fortune cookies!  Or for something easier, vampirey, and with more rice, coconut rice pudding with raspberry sauce.

 

posted: October 11, 2011
under: 80s, horror, teen
7 Comments on The Lost Boys

Gremlins

Na na na na na na!

Na na na na na na!

I always forget how awesome Gremlins is, until I watch it or even talk about it.  It took me way too long to get this entry up, because I could not stop reading quotes, laughing at video clips, and trying to decide which screencaps to post.  I learned so much about the movie today, I never knew that Howie Mandel did the voice of Gizmo!

I don’t think I ever really got the dark side of Gremlins when I was little, I just thought it was funny…although anytime I hear ‘Do You Hear What I Hear’, I get a little nervous.  Gremlins is actually one of the movies that made the MPAA say, “Hey…maybe we need a rating between PG and R.”, because this movie was released as PG, despite the violence and (spoiler alert) grossness of things like a blended or melting gremlin.  So it is perfect for kids who want to watch a scary movie, but aren’t ready for Saw (you should save that until they’re like, what, 10?).

Like Carrie, I just assume that even if you haven’t seen it, you know what it’s about.  Cute, strange little creature multiplies when wet, turns into scaly green monster if it eats after midnight, the Peltzer family finds this out the hard way.  Wacky hijinks ensue even more than usual, because Gremlins love hijinks!  They also like caroling, watching Show White, and hanging out in bars.

Featuring Phoebe Cates and Judge Reinhold (both from Fast Times at Ridgemont High), Howie Mendell (from that stupid gameshow with the suitcases) and an adorable, teeny Corey Feldman (from everything in the 80’s).

(The sequel is getting its own post.)

Entree:  Hopefully YOU won’t turn into a monster when you eat chicken-fried seitan (and hopefully you’ll ear t more neatly).  There are a ton of recipes for it on the internet, for a more specific recipe, Vegan Dad’s looks good.

Side:  This movie is full of snacks, so snack away!  Popcorn, beer nuts, anything else one would snack on at a movie theater or bar.  Tempeh Wings?  Jalapeno Poppers, mayhap?  Nachos, which Jenojoon has made her entire MoFo theme which is awesome?

Dessert:  After all of that fried food and snacking, how about a nice, green smoothie?  (Stephanie said I should post a screencap of the blender gremlin, but luckily I couldn’t find a decent one).  Everyone likes their green smoothie a little different, but mine is always spinach, banana, unsweetened almond milk, and then whatever frozen fruit I have and protein powder.  No ice, no water!  Some people do kale, but my blender isn’t that great.

posted: October 10, 2011
under: 80s, comedy, horror, kid friendly, teen
7 Comments on Gremlins

The Monster Squad

I promised myself that I would post a more kid-friendly movie today, and here it is!  The Monster Squad is PG-13, and it’s an 80’s PG-13.  Not like today when PG-13 on a horror movie means “We didn’t put nudity or the word fuck in here, because if we get an R rating teens can’t see our movie and give us their money.”  There is smoking, a little cussing, and the greatest line in a kid’s movie ever, “Wolfman’s got nards!”, but overall it is very tame as long as you don’t mind your kid hearing the word ‘bitch’ or asking you what a virgin is.

While it’s not the most well-known movie, it is beloved by many people, horror fan or not.  Last year, The Alamo Drafthouse in Austin hosted two sold-out screenings that were attended by the director and a good chunk of the cast.

A group of pre-teen kids have a club called The Monster Squad, and they discover that there is an amulet that can be used to send all monsters of the world into a black hole…unless Dracula gets a hold of it first.  And of course, Dracula is a dick who wants to rule the world, so he assembles a team of monsters to help him find the amulet first.  Of course, to stop Dracula and open the black hole thingamig, they need a virgin to read an incantation in German.  It’s always something, am I right?  P.S. Don’t blame me if you cry at the end a little.

Even though this is a kids movie, it’s still a decent movie for adults.  There are monsters, and they aren’t cute and fuzzy.  It has more in common with Super 8 than it does Hocus Pocus…not that there’s anything wrong with grown adults watching Hocus Pocus!

Entree:  kittee’s xgfx tempeh sausage balls, but of course you will call them nards and giggle.

Side:  Vegan Garlic Pasta with Broccoli, to keep that dick Dracula away, and because your mom wants you to eat your broccoli!

Dessert:  How about dessert based on a virgin drink?  You can try Kelly’s Shirley Temple cookies, or the mojito pie from Yellow Rose Recipes minus the rum option. 

 

posted: October 9, 2011
under: 80s, comedy, horror, kid friendly
4 Comments on The Monster Squad

Ginger Snaps

You may notice that a lot of the movies i’m posting are straight-up slasher films.  I KNOW.  It’s not that I don’t like movies about various creatures (zombies are getting their own special post), it’s just that I don’t have a thing for werewolves or vampires in particular, no matter how shirtless or sparkly they may be.  I thought Underworld was boring, An American Werewolf In London does nothing for me (please don’t throw things at me), and The Howling series is okay, I guess.  Silver Bullet was one of my favorite childhood movies, but I couldn’t think of a menu for it.  Thankfully, Ginger Snaps is awesome, easy to build a menu around, AND is a werewolf movie, providing a little variety!

Ginger and Brigitte are two sisters who have no friends but each other, and a morbid outlook on life.  Things start to change when Ginger a) gets her first period at 16 and b) gets attacked by a werewolf.  She becomes increasingly more brazen and bitchy as the movie goes on, and Brigitte becomes increasingly horrified that her sister is turning into such a hobag.  In this movie, it takes awhile for someone to transform fully into a werewolf, so while Ginger slowly appears more wolf-like, Brigitte tries to find a cure or a way to slow down the process, wacky hijinks ensue, you know.

The movie spawned two sequels, the second movie was just as good, if not better than the first (I don’t want to say too much because the plot automatically spoils the end of the first one).  The third movie is a prequel that takes place in the 19th century, and is pretty much just like the first movie.  It’s not bad, but it’s not that interesting.

Mimi Rogers is the most famous person in this indie Canadian flick, Katherine Isabelle and Emily Perkins are mostly for playing Ginger and Brigitte.  They’ve both been on Supernatural (Emily was the superfan Becky Rosen), and they played sisters in Another Cinderella Story, which is a Disney movie that I will never, ever watch.  Emily also played the abortion clinic receptionist in Juno, and Katherine was the girl who liked to drink and smoke in Freddy vs. Jason (p.s. she has used a body double for every nude scene she’s ever ‘done’).

So what’s a growing wolf who has cramps going to eat?

Entree:  I can usually tell my period is coming by my sudden desire to eat a bag of Tings and a whole shelf of dark chocolate, but this seitan in mole sounds much more healthy and delicious.

Side:  How can you fit carby, salty, and sweet into one food?  Spicy sweet potato fries, of course!

Dessert:  I suppose you could just make gingersnap cookies, but why do that when you can make pumpkin pie with a gingersnap crust and bourbon sauce?

posted: October 8, 2011
under: 2000s, drama, horror, teen
4 Comments on Ginger Snaps

Hatchet

Man, i’ve never been to Mardi Gras, but these kids make it look fun!

Usually horror spoofs are so over-the-top ridiculous and rife with references to other movies (Scary Movie series, anyone?  No?  That’s what I thought.), they’re unwatchable.  Or at least not enjoyable.  Hatchet is purposely ridiculous (but not too much) and has over-the-top kill scenes, but it’s not one lame pop-culture reference after another.  It is not, however, for the squeamish.  A quote from the director: “”Ultimately, it came down to frames and a couple shots,” says Green of the re-editing. “There’s a few deaths that don’t go the distance anymore. For instance, ____ still gets the belt sander put in her face. And _____ can still get her face ripped in half, but _____ can only get hit with a hatchet a certain number of times. It was thirteen times that he got chopped before; now it’s three.”

The basic plot is that a group of friends, in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, decide to go on a haunted swamp tour. At night.  As you can guess, pretty much all of these idiots are going to die.

One thing I really appreciate as a horror fan, is that certain actors will do almost any movie for the love of the genre (it certainly isn’t for fat paychecks and awards).  Hatchet has three heavy-hitters, Robert Englund (Freddy Kruger), Tony Todd (Candyman), and Kane Hodder (Friday the 13th, the only person to play Jason more than once).  Mercedes McNab, the cheeriest vampire in the history of television (Buffy/Angel), graces us with her presence.  And by presence, I mean boobs.

If you have kittee’s first issue of Papa Tofu, she has a section of NOLA recipes for you to choose from.

Entree:  If you don’t have Papa Tofu, you can still enjoy some kittee-cuisine with these roast beef seitan po’ boys.

Side:  New Orleans style white beans, or if you see a can of Blue Runner beans around and are lazy, use those (check for veganness, i’ve had a few kinds but not all).

Dessert:  If you’re feeling ambitious, you can always make a king cake!  If not and/or you like rum, you can make bananas foster and serve it with ice cream.

posted: October 7, 2011
under: 2000s, comedy, horror
3 Comments on Hatchet

Carrie

Carrie is a really popular movie, even if you haven’t seen it you probably know what it’s about.  It’s been lampooned and referenced a million times.  For that reason, I am going to jokingly describe it as a movie about a god-fearing, loving mother who just wants her daughter to stop being such a whore.  But her daughter is also possessed by the devil, so instead she gets asked to prom by the hottest guy in school and it’s totes awesome.

Carrie was the first movie ever adapted from a Stephen King novel, and it’s definitely still one of the best.  Unfortunately, Stephen King has licensed his books for a zillion shitty (mostly made for tv) movies.  I still haven’t forgiven him for the tv movies of The Stand and IT.  The movie is pretty faithful to the book, they only change a few things (Carrie is supposed to be ugly, fat, and zitty), and the only thing I really wish came across better is that John Travolta’s character is  supposed to be really fucking crazy, but since that’s conveyed via his inner monologue, I guess that was kind of hard to show in the movie.

Also featured are Piper Laurie (Twin Peaks), Nancy Allen (Robocop), PJ Soles, Edie McClurg, a delightful array of feathered and poofy hair, and boobs when women with ghastly implants weren’t the only ones getting topless in movies.  No one ever gets topless in movies anymore!  I blame the internet, they know screen caps will end up on Oh No They Didn’t while a bunch of cranky teenagers point out every mark and nipple hair.

Entree:  Amazingly, this is my first devil joke:  seitan chops smothered in apples and ginger (In the movie, Carrie says apple cake gives her pimples).

Side:  Roasted beets with balsamic glaze.  Anything red will work for the period joke, really.

Dessert:  Peanut butter chocolate brea–I mean, pillows.  (I chuckled for days over that one!)

 

posted: October 6, 2011
under: 70s, horror, teen
11 Comments on Carrie

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