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Mermaids

Artists rendering of my typical Friday nights.

Mermaids is probably written off by most people as just a chick movie, and if you’re one of those people you’re missing out on a really funny movie. Although there are some tears, and a few moments where vaginas all hug each other, Mermaids is way more comedy than dramz. Our narrator, Charlotte, tells the story of her ‘free-spirited’ mother (Mrs. Flax) who moves them every time she breaks up with a boyfriend, never serves anything that isn’t a finger food, and dresses like a teenager. Naturally, Charlotte rebels by aspiring to be a nun and being so uptight, she could swallow coal and crap out a diamond. Her little sister, Kate, takes all of this much more in stride and seems to largely ignore the clashes between her mom and her sister. Of course, Charlotte falls in love with Jake Ryan and this really conflicts with her desire to be the polar opposite of her mother. Meanwhile, Mrs. Flax catches the eye of a local shoe salesman who is way more into her than she ever lets herself be into anyone. And Kate holds her breath a lot. For a brief while, everything seems to be going well, which can only mean things are going to get fucked up, and HOW.

While Mrs. Flax is presented as a cool, hip lady it doesn’t take much reading between the lines to see that she’s actually a big coward who runs from her problems and truly growing up. Charlotte is a total spaz and her inner monologue of telling herself to shut up while she word vomits to Jake Ryan about nuns taking showers is something I can relate to. In the end, the two manage to rub off on one another, and the movie ends with them dancing and singing Jimmy Soul. Awwwww, vaginas.

This movie also produced one of the few covers that I think blows every other version out of the water (sorry, Aretha).

Starring Cher (Mask, Witches of Eastwick), Winona Ryder (Heathers, Reality Bites, all of those Tim Burton movies),Bob Hoskins (Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Hook), Michael Schoeffling (Sixteen Candles), and itty bitty Christina Ricci (Addams Family, Pecker, The Opposite of Sex, on and on) in her film debut!

Entree: Get yourself some star-shaped cookie cutters and make some unmanly sandwiches! Charlotte just makes boring meat-cheese-mustard sandwiches which you could easily recreate with tofurkey slices and vegan sliced cheese, or you could make some fancy-ass Cucumber Avocado Tea Sandwiches.
Side: Remind Charlotte that she’s Jewish with these latkes, that can be finger foods. Also they have FLAX seeds in them lol/puns/I am hilarious. Alternately/also, you can make swedish meatballs.
Dessert: Usually I try to keep specific products out of my dinners with movies, but I think we can all agree that it’s marshmallow kabobs or GTFO. Get yourself some Dandies or Sweet and Sara marshmallows, a box of Dots, maraschino cherries, and if my eyes are telling me right, some cut up vegan candy bars (like Go Max Go) and some spearable cookies and put them all on kabob sticks. Then say “Ugh, I am going to die.” And then eat them anyway.

Bonus: I found an awesome Pinterest board that’s all vegan appetizers!

posted: October 18, 2012
under: 80s, comedy, drama, kid friendly, period piece
8 Comments on Mermaids

Back to the Future and Pleasantville

Hey hey, it’s double feature Saturday! There are a lot of movies that would basically have the same menu, so why not make a night of it? As we speak, i’m hiding under a blanket on my couch, watching Back to the Future. It’s cold, let’s power through some movies!


Back to the Future and Pleasantville both involve a dude (and in one case, his hussy sister) going back in time to the 50’s. Their similarities in plot end there since Pleasantville’s 1950’s scenes take place in a fictional tv world. While everything that Marty does in Back to the Future alters his future in a bad way (aka accidentally making his mom fall in love with him), the changes that David and Jennifer bring about in Pleasantville are liberating (which of course leads to attempts at oppression). And Pleasantville may not have a Doc Brown, but it does have Don Knotts!

If you’ve never seen Pleasantville, it’s about two siblings (David and Jennifer) who get catapulted into the world of an old tv show from the 50’s, where everything is perfect. It never rains, there are no fires or crime, everyone is happy. Except Jennifer, so she goes about slutting it up with Paul “Fast and Furious” Walker, blows bubbles, teaches her mom about masturbation, and slowly, her actions spread and people and objects slowly turn from black and white to color. Which, of course means that some people get really upset about the changes and try to ban color, and people who are in color are harassed. I think it’s a metaphor or something. The transition from black and white to color is really neat to watch, the movie was actually filmed all in color and then the black and white parts were added digitally. In the end, the lesson is that there is no such thing as the perfect life.

If you haven’t seen Back to the Future, I don’t know what to do with you.

Both movies star a whole slew of famous people who are really good at their jobs. I really like playing ‘Ohhhh that’s ______ from ______!’ which is why I make the list of actors, but there are so many between the two films, just IMDB that shizz.

Both movies heavily feature a diner, so the perfect menu to bring these two films together is, 50’s diner food!

Entree:
Now you could go with the obvious burger, but let’s be a tad more creative and make this No Tuna Melt.
Side: You don’t have to make these Baked Potato Fries, but if you do, you have to do the thyme variation for maximum pun-age.
Dessert: You can make the Old Fashioned Creamy Rice Pudding from Vegan Diner, or you could channel Agent Cooper and his favorite diner food, Cherry Pie.

posted: October 6, 2012
under: 80s, 90s, comedy, kid friendly, teen
6 Comments on Back to the Future and Pleasantville

Hairspray

Let’s dance!

Another childhood favorite, Hairspray didn’t just entertain me. It didn’t just teach me about the music, style and dances of the 60’s. It taught me about segregation and racism, more specifically, racism is for crazy assholes. I was a sheltered kid, and Penny’s mom being a paranoid lunatic in a black neighborhood in Baltimore, made little Katie scrunch up her nose and say, “Man, what’s wrong with that woman?” The Von Tussles were the bad guys, and if they supported segregation, clearly it was a bad thing. Also, they didn’t like Tracy and kept making fun of her for being fat. What a bunch of dicks!

Besides the theme of overcoming social injustices, Hairspray is about dancing. All Tracy wants in life is to be on the Corny Collins show, so one night she and her friend Penny sneak off to a dance event where Tracy wins a dance contest and is invited to try out. She gets on, steals the bitchy girl’s boyfriend, becomes a spokesmodel, fights against segregation, and despite some monkey wrenches, come out on top. It would be an underdog story, but Tracy is never really presented as an underdog. The only people who diss her are, like I said, obviously assholes. John Waters managed to take the issues of segregation and racial tension and weave them into a fun storyline, but still treat them seriously.

John Waters is well known for assembling awesome casts. He managed to get a whole slew of musicians in this one: Debbie Harry, Sonny Bono, Ruth Brown, Ric Ocasek, Pia Zadora, Toussaint McCall, and Colleen Fitzpatrick before she morphed in Vitamin C (yes, Amber = Put A Smile On Your Face). Ricki Lake (her talk show, VH1’s Charm School), Jerry Stiller (Seinfeld, King of Queens, fathering Ben Stiller), Mink Stole (every single other John Waters movie), and Divine round out the cast. When I was a kid, I did not know that Divine was a drag queen and apparently I never paid attention to the credits of the movie or that would’ve been incredibly obvious.

Appetizer: Homemade seaweed snacks!
Entree: A hearty macaroni and (cashew) cheese, for the growing teenager in us all.
Side: There are so many Corny jokes that we could make. So, so many. I decided to keep it simple with baked corn on the cob (video link).
Side 2: Gimmie gravy on my mashed potatoes!
Dessert: If you have room and the want to be adventurous, try your hand at making eclairs while wishing your clothing store provided pastries.

And as a bonus, the opening scene complete with the title song, which will be stuck in your head all week. You’re welcome!

posted: October 2, 2012
under: 80s, comedy, kid friendly, period piece, teen
11 Comments on Hairspray

Killer Klowns From Outer Space

In space, no one can eat ice cream*.

So at some point in my young life, after I was traumatized against clowns by Poltergeist, I watched Killer Klowns and it scared the pants off of me. When it came out on dvd, I scooped it up and made Brian watch it. Before we started it I was like, “This movie is really scary, just to warn you!” I think it only took about five minutes of viewing before we both realized that I was wrong, and I was horribly, horribly embarrassed. This movie is about as scary as the monkey neck pillow I sleep with!

Aliens who just so happen to look like clowns, land on earth in a spaceship that just so happens to look like a circus tent. Why are they here? To round us up, encase us in cotton candy, and eat us! Of course, people are killed in comical fashions, like with shadow puppets and cotton candy ray guns. Stop judging me, I was like, nine when I watched this! Of course, no one in the town is afraid of a bunch of goofy looking clowns, so they’re not scared and basically just stand there and get slaughtered. Only a couple of teenagers are wise to what’s going on, and it’s up to them to save the day.

Believe it or not, this movie is actually pretty highly rated on IMDB/Rotten Tomatoes, for a horror movie. It’s definitely not scary, but it’s entertaining and not even close to the worst movie i’ve posted.

I’m going to break from my usual meal format because, this is a movie about clowns (and I can only post hot dog recipes so many times)! What do people eat at the circus? Besides sadness and cruelty, I mean. So I collected some recipes of various treats for you to enjoy, besides the obvious answer of: popcorn. Lots and lots of popcorn.

Soft Pumpkin Pretzels
Pizza!
Nachos with your favorite queso sauce, or this seven layer dip
Peanut Butter Caramel Apples
If you’re feeling really adventurous, or have some enemies you want to encase and then suck dry, you can make your own cotton candy.

*this is the tagline for the movie, i’m not that clever.

posted: October 25, 2011
under: 80s, comedy, horror, kid friendly, so bad it's good, teen
2 Comments on Killer Klowns From Outer Space

The Addams Family

Who is the most awesome tv/movie family of all time? If you think it’s The Brady Bunch, please go have sexual relations with yourself. If you said The Munsters, okay, but they aren’t as popular as The Addams. Did you know that The Addams Family started as a comic strip, and none of them even had names until the tv show? For a brief history of all things Addams, go here.

While I think the first movie is awesome, I think the sequel is even better so let’s jump to that! In the second movie, Morticia and Gomez welcome a new baby, Pubert. How those two don’t have 18 kids and counting i’ll never know, because one of the running themes of the tv show and the movie is that they’re constantly making bedroom eyes at each other. So they hire a nanny, who (spoiler alert) is evil, and convinces the parents to ship Wednesday and Pugsley off to summer camp, which is the BEST part of the movie. They could scrap everything else and turn it into a short called ‘Wednesday and Pugsley Go To Camp Chippewa” and that would be just fine. Then some other stuff happens and what it boils down to is that this family loves each other a lot and it’s very heartwarming and blah di dah.

This is a ‘who isn’t in this movie’, so i’ll just point out a few: Mercedes McNab (Hatchet, Buffy/Angel) is the annoying blonde girl at camp, David Krumholtz (Numb3rs, Harold and Kumar, Serenity) plays the nerdy love interest of Wednesday, and John Franklin (Issac from Children of the Corn) plays Cousin Itt. And of course, Peter MacNicol (Ally McBeal, Numb3rs, 24, Ghostbusters II) and Christine Baranski (The Good Wife, Mama Mia, Sheldon’s mom on Big Bang Theory) are amazing as the directors of Camp Chippewa.

For the menu, I went with black and white foods, with a spicy kick to represent the burning passion between Morticia and Gomez. If you want you can just drink lemonade and make vegan girl scout cookies, there is a recipe for Thin Mints in The Vegan Cookie Connoisseur and a recipe for Samoas in Vegan Cookies Invade Your Cookie Jar.

Entree: Black and White Bean Burgers with Spicy Mango Salsa
Side: Yuca Fries (omg how cute is that blog?!)
Dessert: Black and White Cookies

posted: October 19, 2011
under: 90s, comedy, kid friendly
7 Comments on The Addams Family

Hocus Pocus

Amuck!  Amuck amuck amuck amuck a–oooof!

I thought it was time for another family-friendly movie, and I don’t think there’s a better Halloween kiddie movie than Hocus Pocus (sorry, Halloweentown fans).  The witches are a little scary but more goofy than anything, there’s an adorable talking cat, a cute boy, and the bullies get what’s coming to them.  And despite being a PG movie, I think most of the jokes are pretty funny.  The movie received a lot of bad reviews when it first came out, but after years of being in heavy rotation on the Disney channel it’s now a cult favorite.  Also, it’s Bette Midler’s favorite movie that she’s even done!  I would wager a guess that her least favorite is Drowning Mona.

Trivia bite:  The song that Sarah Jessica Parker sings in the movie is an Edgar Allen Poe poem, not an original song.

Back in the old days before tofu, three sister witches are sucking the souls out of children, and they turned one into a cat who can’t die, because they’re meanies.  They were hung, but left behind a curse that if a virgin lights a certain candle, they can return and have one last shot at living.  Like that Margaret Cho joke about Charlies Angels, there’s the sweet one (Mary), the smart one (Winifred)…and then there’s the ho (Sarah)!  Naturally, some silly virgin lights the candle, gets yelled at by Binx the talking cat, the witches return, wacky hijinks, etc.

P.S.  No matter what you might think, Max is not the hero of this movie.  Binx is the hero!  Viva la Binx!

Since witches are all famous ladies, let’s look at the rest of the cast!  Omri Katz  doesn’t act much anymore, but we’ve all seen plenty of Thora Birch (American Beauty, Ghost World).  Ernie (aka Ice) is the bully-turned-out-and-proud football player Larry from Buffy, and Doug Jones (Billy) has played many other made up creatures, including one of the Gentlemen from the Buffy episode Hush.  Sean Murray (the human Binx) is a main character on NCIS.  Penny Marshall and her brother Garry play a married couple, the witches think Garry is their ‘master’.

Entree:  I was really happy when I googled ‘vegan witches stew‘ and one immediately leapt out!

Side:  You don’t really need a side with a stew, but how about this pumpkin spice cashew cheese dip with your favorite vegan crackers or some raw veggies?  Baby carrots can even be carved to look like fingers if you want to be creepy!

Dessert:  Did you know there’s a blog all about being a spooky vegan?  I actually discovered this while doing my pre-MoFo research, check her out!  And try out these awesome Halloween-themed sugar cookies.  Another option would be to just eat some vegan Halloween candy or some of the seasonal Sweet and Sara marshmallows, straight out of the package.

posted: October 16, 2011
under: 90s, comedy, horror, kid friendly, teen
7 Comments on Hocus Pocus

Gremlins

Na na na na na na!

Na na na na na na!

I always forget how awesome Gremlins is, until I watch it or even talk about it.  It took me way too long to get this entry up, because I could not stop reading quotes, laughing at video clips, and trying to decide which screencaps to post.  I learned so much about the movie today, I never knew that Howie Mandel did the voice of Gizmo!

I don’t think I ever really got the dark side of Gremlins when I was little, I just thought it was funny…although anytime I hear ‘Do You Hear What I Hear’, I get a little nervous.  Gremlins is actually one of the movies that made the MPAA say, “Hey…maybe we need a rating between PG and R.”, because this movie was released as PG, despite the violence and (spoiler alert) grossness of things like a blended or melting gremlin.  So it is perfect for kids who want to watch a scary movie, but aren’t ready for Saw (you should save that until they’re like, what, 10?).

Like Carrie, I just assume that even if you haven’t seen it, you know what it’s about.  Cute, strange little creature multiplies when wet, turns into scaly green monster if it eats after midnight, the Peltzer family finds this out the hard way.  Wacky hijinks ensue even more than usual, because Gremlins love hijinks!  They also like caroling, watching Show White, and hanging out in bars.

Featuring Phoebe Cates and Judge Reinhold (both from Fast Times at Ridgemont High), Howie Mendell (from that stupid gameshow with the suitcases) and an adorable, teeny Corey Feldman (from everything in the 80’s).

(The sequel is getting its own post.)

Entree:  Hopefully YOU won’t turn into a monster when you eat chicken-fried seitan (and hopefully you’ll ear t more neatly).  There are a ton of recipes for it on the internet, for a more specific recipe, Vegan Dad’s looks good.

Side:  This movie is full of snacks, so snack away!  Popcorn, beer nuts, anything else one would snack on at a movie theater or bar.  Tempeh Wings?  Jalapeno Poppers, mayhap?  Nachos, which Jenojoon has made her entire MoFo theme which is awesome?

Dessert:  After all of that fried food and snacking, how about a nice, green smoothie?  (Stephanie said I should post a screencap of the blender gremlin, but luckily I couldn’t find a decent one).  Everyone likes their green smoothie a little different, but mine is always spinach, banana, unsweetened almond milk, and then whatever frozen fruit I have and protein powder.  No ice, no water!  Some people do kale, but my blender isn’t that great.

posted: October 10, 2011
under: 80s, comedy, horror, kid friendly, teen
7 Comments on Gremlins

The Monster Squad

I promised myself that I would post a more kid-friendly movie today, and here it is!  The Monster Squad is PG-13, and it’s an 80’s PG-13.  Not like today when PG-13 on a horror movie means “We didn’t put nudity or the word fuck in here, because if we get an R rating teens can’t see our movie and give us their money.”  There is smoking, a little cussing, and the greatest line in a kid’s movie ever, “Wolfman’s got nards!”, but overall it is very tame as long as you don’t mind your kid hearing the word ‘bitch’ or asking you what a virgin is.

While it’s not the most well-known movie, it is beloved by many people, horror fan or not.  Last year, The Alamo Drafthouse in Austin hosted two sold-out screenings that were attended by the director and a good chunk of the cast.

A group of pre-teen kids have a club called The Monster Squad, and they discover that there is an amulet that can be used to send all monsters of the world into a black hole…unless Dracula gets a hold of it first.  And of course, Dracula is a dick who wants to rule the world, so he assembles a team of monsters to help him find the amulet first.  Of course, to stop Dracula and open the black hole thingamig, they need a virgin to read an incantation in German.  It’s always something, am I right?  P.S. Don’t blame me if you cry at the end a little.

Even though this is a kids movie, it’s still a decent movie for adults.  There are monsters, and they aren’t cute and fuzzy.  It has more in common with Super 8 than it does Hocus Pocus…not that there’s anything wrong with grown adults watching Hocus Pocus!

Entree:  kittee’s xgfx tempeh sausage balls, but of course you will call them nards and giggle.

Side:  Vegan Garlic Pasta with Broccoli, to keep that dick Dracula away, and because your mom wants you to eat your broccoli!

Dessert:  How about dessert based on a virgin drink?  You can try Kelly’s Shirley Temple cookies, or the mojito pie from Yellow Rose Recipes minus the rum option. 

 

posted: October 9, 2011
under: 80s, comedy, horror, kid friendly
4 Comments on The Monster Squad

Little Shop of Horrors

 

I don’t think Little Shop of Horrors is actually considered a horror movie by anyone, but when I was trying to think of movies that fall on the lighter side but are still Halloween appropriate, this immediately came to mind.  This is one of my favorite movies of all time, several VHS copies were worn out during my childhood.  I think it has everything:  singing, comedy, suspense, an amazing cast…I really can’t think of anything bad about this movie.

On the off chance that you have never seen or even heard of Little Shop of Horrors, it’s a musical about a guy who is a total loser, until he discovers a weird plant that attracts a lot of attention to the flower shop where he works.  And then he finds out it needs human blood to grow.  Wacky hijinks ensue, with songs!

EVERYONE is in this movie.  Rick Moranis, Steve Martin, Bill Murray, John Candy, and Jim Belushi need no introduction if you liked to laugh in the 80’s.  Ellen Greene is amazing as Audrey, you might recently know her as Vivian Charles from Pushing Daisies, or Sylar’s mom on Heroes.  Tisha Campbell and Tichina Arnold (from Martin) make up 2/3rds of the girl group that wanders around singing.  Bonus:  their names are Crystal, Chiffon, and Ronette, all famous girl groups from the 60’s.

I think it’s clear that the best food to eat while watching this movie is lots raw vegetables, to exact our revenge against Audrey II!

Entree:  Raw falafel with tahini?  Yes please!

Side:  This root vegetable salad looks amazing, and perfect for fall.

Dessert:  If you want to continue with the raw theme, chocolate avocado mousse is a really popular, easy dessert.  If you want to get fancy, you can make these amazing looking gluten-free cardamom and rosewater cream puffs, since Audrey herself is a cream puff.

 

posted: October 1, 2011
under: 80s, horror, kid friendly, musical, sci-fi
11 Comments on Little Shop of Horrors

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