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Can’t Hardly Wait


It’s the last party of their high school career and Preston just found out that his dream girl, Amanda, is newly single.  As you can see above, he is dorkily excited about it.  He decides he’s going to give her a letter about how he feels at said party, and obviously that doesn’t go smoothly.  Also he drags along his best friend who hates everyone and no one even knows her name.  But who cares about that crap when we can talk about Kenny Fisher?

This movie is full of high school stereotypes, and Kenny is the rich (look at that SUV) white kid who drops so much street slang that almost everything he says could be a catchphrase.  Why is he wearing goggles?  Was that ever cool?  Anyway, Kenny desperately wants to get laid, and he has a backpack full of sexy things to help, like a Fragrance of Love scented candle, bitch.  It’s so ridiculous that it’s cute and i’m not sure if anyone but Seth Green could’ve pulled this role off without looking like a total jackass.  Keeping this all in mind is the only thing that got me through the pilot of Dads.

There are other sub-plots, like a group of nerds plotting to embarrass the jerky jock/Amanda’s ex, said jock trying to get his friends to all dump their girlfriends because he’s convinced that girls will be lining up for them at college, Barry Manilow, and a whole lot of stuff that was edited out to get a PG-13 rating/for time.

Mostly starring Ethan Embry (Empire Records, Sweet Home Alabama) and Jennifer Love Hewitt (Party of Five, The Ghost Whisperer).  Also a whole bunch of Buffy alum appear!  And does anyone else remember that show that ran for one season, Byrds of Paradise, where J-Love and Seth Green played siblings?

This movie came out my senior year, so it’s only natural that I would try to pick out my ‘character’ in the movie.  I would’ve been Amber Benson, obviously.

Entree:  Anyone order a Loveburger?  No?  I’m not entirely sure what would be on a Loveburger (no jizz jokes), so just pick any ol’ burger you want to make, Joni has quite a few recipes.

Side: We are gonna get rippppppppppppppppped on watermelon!  And by we I mean people who actually drink, us sober assholes could I guess just use raspberry juice.

Dessert:  I bet you’re thinking the pot brownies, right?  Wrong, those brownies sucked, remember?  We are gonna make our own strawberry poptarts/hand pies.




posted: September 26, 2013
under: 90s, comedy, romance, teen
2 Comments on Can’t Hardly Wait




Trying to find SFW screencaps for this movie was hard, because it’s more like SEXretary, am I right?  Okay, not really, but this is a movie about a dominant/submissive relationship between a man and his secretary so there is bondage and all of that fun stuff you don’t want to show your kids.

Lee Holloway is possibly the most passive person on the planet, and will do whatever anyone tells her without seeming to care about any of it.  The only thing she does care about is self harm, and they never really explain why she cuts herself (maybe because her family is a mess), because that’s not the focus of the story.  After being hospitalized for a serious cutting injury, she goes to typing school, gets a certificate, and sets out looking for a job.  Spoiler alert, James Spader is going to hire her and he really likes the fact that she’s like a ball of clay who will change anything that he tells her he finds annoying.  One important part of their relationship is that he’s the first person to directly confront her about her self-harm and why she does it, whereas her family just seems to tip toe around it.

I usually don’t notice things like this, but the set designs in Secretary are beautiful.  Edward’s office is very natural, full of woods and natural colors.  Lee’s house is full of plastic, including the furniture, in a variety of pastel and bright colors.


I will admit that I find the scenes leading up to the very end (but not quite the end) to be kind of ridiculous and cheesy, but that decision was purposely made to show that BDSM relationships can be a part of a normal couple’s life and doesn’t have to result in a dark movie or an ending.

Starring James Spader (80’s dickweasel, Boston Legal, The Office), Maggie Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko, The Dark Knight), Jeremy Davies (Lost, Justified), Lesley Ann Warren (Clue, In Plain Sight), and Amy Locane (Cry-Baby, Airheads).

Thinking up a menu for this movie wasn’t even necessary, because Edward has already told us what to eat!  I will be eating a hell of a lot more than a scoop of potatoes and four peas, though.

Entree:  I am in no mood to try to veganize a porterhouse steak (one of those kinds with a huge bone in it), but I think that Seitan Filet Mignon is a fine stand-in.

Side:  When I googled ‘vegan creamed potatoes’, google was all, “Oh, you want mashed potatoes!” God dammit google, there is a DIFFERENCE.  Then I found these creamed potatoes with peas and that covers all of our bases.

Dessert:  As much ice cream as you’d care to eat, of course!  Although you can see that in the photo above there’s a pie on the table, Lee doesn’t mention it while getting permission to eat so we’re sticking with ice cream.  If you don’t have the means or desire to make your own, I am a big fan of the Purely Decadent Cookie Dough.  Frozen pureed bananas are NOT ice cream.  /soapbox



posted: September 9, 2013
under: 2000s, drama, romance
3 Comments on Secretary

Romancing The Stone

A romantic tale of Michael Douglas delivering a baby in the pouring rain.  Okay, not really, but that’s what it looks like, right?

Joan Wilder is living the sweet life in New York City: she’s a successful romance novelist, has a cat and a fireplace, and the most impressive mini-booze bottle collection you’ve ever seen. If only she could find love in an 80’s movie with ‘romancing’ in the title…

Joan returns from handing over her latest manuscript to find her apartment has been ransacked and her sister has been kidnapped and if she wants to get her un-napped, she has to bring a treasure map to Colombia. It’s always something.  Of course, as soon as she gets to Colombia shit starts going wrong and who will help her but an attractive guy with a machete?  This guy?

Romancing The Stone (and its sequel, Jewel of the Nile) is one of those movies that was able to cash in on the popularity of Indiana Jones, but with more romance and dancing and a little bit less snakes (but more crocodiles).  For some reason, studio executives were convinced that the movie was going to flop, so they fired Robert Zemeckis from directing Cocoon.  But Romancing the Stone did great, so Zemeckis went off and made a little film called Back to the Future instead.  The sequel didn’t receive as good of reviews as Romancing the Stone, but it’s still okay to watch if you like the first one and don’t mind hearing Danny DeVito saying ‘towelhead’ because it was the 80’s and that was still okay to say in a movie.  A third installment was planned but never went anywhere, but Kathleen, Michael, and Danny all got back together for The War of the Roses.

Starring Michael Douglas (Fatal Attraction, The American President), Kathleen Turner (Serial Mom, The Virgin Suicides), Danny DeVito (Always Sunny, Throw Mama From The Train), Holland Taylor (Two and A Half Men, The L Word), and Mary Ellen Trainor (Roswell, Lethal Weapon Series).


Thanks to Joan’s ridiculous expectations of romance due to her career, I googled more versions of ‘sexy food’ and ‘most romantic meal ever’ than i’d care to admit and yes, there were a lot of clams.  Gross!

Entrée:  Most everyone seems to agree that fondue is very romantic/sexy.  If you have Vegan Artisan Cheese, Miyoko has a recipe using the cheeses in her book.  Dip whatever you want in there!

Dessert:  Ignite the flames of passion with this spicy mexican chocolate cake. Or unbutton your pants and pass out in a delightful, carby food coma.  Whichever works best for you!


posted: September 2, 2013
under: 80s, action, comedy, romance
8 Comments on Romancing The Stone