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Johnny Mnemonic

Today is my husband’s birthday, and I promised he could post this. Whenever I mention looking for movie ideas, he tells me to do Johnny Mnemonic as a joke and finally I said, “Why don’t YOU do it?!” And that is why you should never blurt things out in the heat of the moment.

Cover
William Gibson is a fantastic author. He’s practically the creator of the cyberpunk genre. Neuromancer is one of my favorite books of all time, and William Gibson wrote it, and he wrote the screenplay for Johnny Mnemonic. In many ways, Johnny Mnemonic does not do William Gibson justice. However, I can’t help but appreciate the many ways that it tried.

 

Johnny Pizza

“Double cheese, anchovies?”

The world is run by giant megacorporations, constantly fighting each other for world domination. Johnny is a mnemonic courier, a human with a hard drive in their brain who is hired to smuggle sensitive data.  Johnny is played by Keanu Reeves, four years before he found serious commercial success in the cyberpunk genre for his role in The Matrix. Johnny’s in deep crap. He’s forgotten all of his memories, and he wants out of the courier game, but he can’t afford the surgery to get the hard drive taken out. He takes one more big-risk job to try to get out for good. There’s just one problem: his hard drive is overloaded by the data and will kill him if he can’t get it out soon. And then the Yakuza massacre his clients and destroy the key to getting the data out of Johnny’s brain. From there, he’s off to Newark to find out what’s inside his head, and how he can get it out.

 

Snatch back your brain, zombie, and hold it!

“Snatch back your brain, zombie, and hold it!”

This movie’s got Keanu Reeves. It’s got Ice-T, Henry Rollins, and Dolph Lundgren. It’s got Yakuza, low-tech hackers, cyborg street preachers, and cyberspace. None of those things can save this movie. The dialog is bad, and it’s delivered poorly. Some characters are changed from the original short story and they’re not improvements. Jane, in Dina Meyer’s first role, is particularly bad in performance and in poor story adaptation. But it gets so much right, like the set design, and the pace. It’s constantly moving, and it nails the cyberpunk atmosphere.

 

"I need to go online"

“I need to go online!”

So what do you eat when you watch Johnny Mnemonic? There are a number of bad options, but at one point Johnny shouts, “I want the club sandwich, I want the cold Mexican beer, I want a $10,000-a-night hooker!” And that made my job dead simple. So here’s a recipe for a vegan club sandwich, featuring chicken-style seitan and tempeh bacon. I’m not a beer person, but according to Barnivore, Grupo Modelo beers are vegan, so grab a Corona and you’re good!

posted: September 3, 2014
under: 90s, sci-fi, so bad it's good
7 Comments on Johnny Mnemonic

Showgirls

 

Showgirls is one of the accidentally greatest movies EVER MADE.  EVER.  It has a cult following, especially in the gay community.  One of the more notable adaptations is Show Girls In Drag, which stars Willam and Detox from Rupaul’s Drag Race.  There was also an off-broadway musical.  Why?  Because Showgirls is so bad, on every level from the writing to the acting, that it is absolutely hilarious.  On top of the badness, it had a huge budget, the director of Robocop, and some pretty well-known faces in the cast.  Everyone involved thought they were making an amazing movie, right up until it flopped hard.

Nomi hitches a ride to Vegas in pursuit of her dreams of becoming a dancer – and the first person she meets steals her suitcase.  The second person she meets, however, lets her move into her trailer and she does get a job as a dancer, of the private variety.  And wouldn’t you know it, her roommate is the seamstress for the big show at The Stardust!  I’ll bet that’s going to come in handy but in a very roundabout way.

Eventually, Nomi makes her way out of the strip club and onto the big stage, with help and simultaneous interference from the lead, Cristal.  Cristal Connors is like the Ghost of Bitchmas Future to Nomi, showing up to dispense wisdom, snort coke, call everyone darlin’, and make sexual advances while putting Nomi down and really messing with her life.  Over the course of the movie we learn that Cristal and Nomi have pretty much an identical past and identical methods of pushing their way to the top.  Can Nomi out-bitch Cristal and take her spot, though?

By far, the most ridiculous and hilarious scene in Showgirls is the pool sex scene where it appears that someone might be tasering Elizabeth Berkley from off camera.  I showed this movie to my friend Robie once and she laughed so hard, it made me laugh harder and I fell off the couch, and after we were able to breathe we rewound it and watched it again.  Here’s a little animated (obviously NSFW) .gif of the scene, you can tell that Kyle MacLachlan is really having a hard time holding onto her.  Not to mention that the waterfall is going right into her face.  I can only assume this was choreographed by the wet dream of a 13-year-old boy.

I’ve never seen Showgirls 2, but here’s a review written by someone who loves Showgirls just as much as I do.

(P.S. If you do decide to watch this movie, fair warning that there is a violent rape scene in it.)

Starring Elizabeth Berkley (Saved By the Bell, she’s so excited), Gina Gershon (Bound, Rescue Me), Kyle MacLachlan (Twin Peaks, Portlandia), Glenn Plummer (Sons of Anarchy, ER), Alan Rachins (Dharma and Greg, L.A. Law), and Gina Ravera (The Closer, ER).

Onto our menu, which is free of any puns related to bare breasts!

Entree:  Who says you can’t have a burger AND brown rice and vegetables?

Side:  I’ve never heard Caesar sing, but I have been to The Forum before (I did not buy a dress at Ver-sayce with lap dance money).

Dessert:  Sad fact time, I have lived and breathed on this earth, in the midwest even, for 32 years and I have never had puppy chow.

Cocktail:  I don’t usually include drinks, but if you drink alcohol will probably improve your enjoyment of this movie tremendously, so have a sexy, wet, Tornado.

 

posted: September 19, 2013
under: 90s, comedy, drama, so bad it's good
7 Comments on Showgirls

The Stuff

Oh man, I hate it when I get The Stuff in my eye.

Last year when I was asking for suggestions on what horror movies to do for MoFo, John immediately suggested The Stuff. I had never seen it and it wasn’t available on Netflix at the time, so I couldn’t do it. But now i’ve seen it and here we are!

The Stuff is sticky white substance that some dude discovers coming out of the ground. Naturally, his first instinct is to put it in his mouth and he finds that it’s very sweet. Soon, The Stuff is being marketed as a zero calorie dessert that’s so addictive, it’s putting the ice cream industry out of business! Also it may or may not be a parasitic organism that takes control of the people who eat it. You’ll have to watch to find out!

This movie is delightfully 80’s, has a few funny lines (which may not be intentional), and it’s not particularly scary. It’s definitely a fun movie to watch with a group and good for people who don’t like their horror movies too horror….y.

Starrng Michael Moriarty (the original ADA on Law & Order), Garrett Morris (SNL, 2 Broke Girls), and Paul Sorvino (Goodfellas, also OG Law & Order).

So since it was his idea for me to do this originally, I asked John to help me with the menu.

First, you get yourself a tub of Ricemellow Creme. The Smuckers marshmallow ice cream topping is vegan, if you’re in a pinch. Then grab a spoon and dig in!

Uh, John. I said grab a SPOON. Gross! What is wrong with you?

Oh. Well shit.

(For a serious suggestion, i’d recommend just having a vegan ice cream party! Buy your ice cream or make your own, drown it in Ricemellow, and check out this PPK thread for some topping ideas! There’s also a great article on VegNews full of links about ice cream and related things.)

Many thanks to John for getting goo in his hair and Isa for probably gagging a little while taking the pictures.

posted: October 8, 2012
under: 80s, horror, so bad it's good
284 Comments on The Stuff

Night of the Demons

Have you noticed that i’ve posted 80’s movies almost exclusively? It all comes down to childhood nostalgia, these are the movies that were released when I was a kid, so they are the ones I like the best. Sometimes ‘good’ doesn’t enter into it for me, and Night of the Demons is definitely one of those movies. It’s not horrible, but unless you have a love of horror movies, you probably won’t want to see it. Also I really wanted to do a non-kid Halloween movie and i’m not up to covering 50 movies about Michael Meyers.

In the late 80’s, a ‘weird’ girl named Angela hosts a party at a Haunted house with her slutty friend Suzanne (played again by always-nude scream queen, Linnea Quigley). For whatever reason, less than ten people show up and no one thinks this is weird or sad. Of course, the house really IS haunted, by a demon, and it slowly possesses the party-goers, who then attack and infect their friends. Some of them appear demon-like right away (the fat guy ends up with a pig nose, of course), Suzanne performs a party trick with a tube of lipstick and does what she does best (hint, it’s not family friendly).

This movie spawned two sequels, neither of which i’ve watched in a long time so I can’t say how bad they might be, but (spoiler alert) the same actress reprises her role as Angela in both of them, so they are tied to the original film. There was also a remake a few years ago which while not bad and it changed the story enough to be unique from the original, is full of some really embarrassing acting from Shannon Elizabeth and Edward Furlong (I KNOW), and some of the fakest breasts i’ve ever seen. But the demons are way cooler looking, so at least it has that going for it.

Usually these movies are filled with no-names and if we’re lucky, someone who hasn’t hit it big yet (it’s fun to see their baby faces), but the woman who plays Angela is actually really interesting! Amelia Kinkade is the niece of Rue McClanahan, a former 80’s video dancing vixen, and now she makes her living as a pet psychic/whisperer/whatever you want to call it.

Entree: The obvious answer would be ‘anything pumpkin’, but when I saw these asparagus skeletons in puff pastry coffins (and the wonton ghosts), I couldn’t resist. I like that these are very adult, yet very Halloweenie.
Side: Another dish that falls under the ‘very adult food, very halloweenie feel’ are these quinoa stuffed pepperjacks!
After all of that grown up, healthy crap, wouldn’t you like some candy? Make your own vegan candy corn!

posted: October 28, 2011
under: 80s, horror, so bad it's good, teen
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Killer Klowns From Outer Space

In space, no one can eat ice cream*.

So at some point in my young life, after I was traumatized against clowns by Poltergeist, I watched Killer Klowns and it scared the pants off of me. When it came out on dvd, I scooped it up and made Brian watch it. Before we started it I was like, “This movie is really scary, just to warn you!” I think it only took about five minutes of viewing before we both realized that I was wrong, and I was horribly, horribly embarrassed. This movie is about as scary as the monkey neck pillow I sleep with!

Aliens who just so happen to look like clowns, land on earth in a spaceship that just so happens to look like a circus tent. Why are they here? To round us up, encase us in cotton candy, and eat us! Of course, people are killed in comical fashions, like with shadow puppets and cotton candy ray guns. Stop judging me, I was like, nine when I watched this! Of course, no one in the town is afraid of a bunch of goofy looking clowns, so they’re not scared and basically just stand there and get slaughtered. Only a couple of teenagers are wise to what’s going on, and it’s up to them to save the day.

Believe it or not, this movie is actually pretty highly rated on IMDB/Rotten Tomatoes, for a horror movie. It’s definitely not scary, but it’s entertaining and not even close to the worst movie i’ve posted.

I’m going to break from my usual meal format because, this is a movie about clowns (and I can only post hot dog recipes so many times)! What do people eat at the circus? Besides sadness and cruelty, I mean. So I collected some recipes of various treats for you to enjoy, besides the obvious answer of: popcorn. Lots and lots of popcorn.

Soft Pumpkin Pretzels
Pizza!
Nachos with your favorite queso sauce, or this seven layer dip
Peanut Butter Caramel Apples
If you’re feeling really adventurous, or have some enemies you want to encase and then suck dry, you can make your own cotton candy.

*this is the tagline for the movie, i’m not that clever.

posted: October 25, 2011
under: 80s, comedy, horror, kid friendly, so bad it's good, teen
2 Comments on Killer Klowns From Outer Space

Cheerleader Camp

They look just as thrilled to be in this movie as you will be to watch it!

Cheerleader Camp is a stupid, low-budget, not very scary slasher film from the 80’s, and I LOVE it. Why? I’m not sure. I think it’s so-bad-it’s-good, others think it’s just bad, although I will admit that it’s no ‘Death of a Cheerleader’. It does have things to peak your interest, like bare breasts, the token “fat guy” comedic relief, and Leif Garrett stuffing a sock in his underwear. Oh, and this (part of which I used to sing to Bonny):

In case you can’t guess, this movie is about a group of cheerleaders…who go to camp. Camp Hurrah! They are going there to compete against other cheerleading groups for…something. And for some reason, no one else is there, like family to cheer them on, or judges. Just a bitchy camp director, a weird cook, and a creepy groundskeeper. Oh, and the sheriff. And then people start dying! But in addition to dying, the main character has some really weird dreams. There’s one that’s really awkward to watch: her boyfriend is banging another cheerleader while the rest of the squad stands around them chanting. What?

The acting is pretty bad, the gore is laughable, and a lot of things just don’t make sense. Like why is there a party with a band at a cheerleading camp where multiple people have been murdered? Why is the beauty contest being judged only by the other cheerleaders? Why do we have to watch the creepy sex play between the sheriff and Miss Tipton?

Believe it or not, this movie has several recognizable faces in it! Betsy Russell (Jill Tuck from Saw) plays the lead, Leif Garrett (70’s teen idol, The Outsiders, Celebrity Rehab) plays…the sexy dude…for some reason, and you may recognize Cory the mascot, Lucinda Dickey, from Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2. The real treat if George ‘Buck’ Flower, who often plays a hobo or a drunk (he’s the one who sprays himself with the hose in the video above), mostly in John Carpenter movies, and he was Red the bum in Back to the Future I and II.

Onto the menu! I’ve already done camp food, so let’s tailgate! Soon it will be too cold to grill outside, but I know all y’all have grill pans, right?

Entree: I have never tailgated in my life, but I think chili dogs seem like a damn good idea. The Field Roast frankfurters are a delicious alternative to the rubbery veggie dogs, or you can make your own!
Side: Tofu teriyaki kabobs do double duty, since anything skewered is always good for a slasher movie.
Dessert: I have seen a lot of variations on Smores this MoFo, but I think these Smore pocket pies are my favorite! If you don’t have access to vegan marshmallows, did you know that the Smuckers marshmallow ice cream topping is vegan? It’s runny, but these are enclosed so it doesn’t matter!

posted: October 24, 2011
under: 80s, horror, so bad it's good, teen
1 Comment on Cheerleader Camp

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Everyone knows who Elvira is, but did you know she made a totally cheesy horror movie in the 80’s?  I hesitate to even define it as ‘horror’ because it’s so campy, and not in the least bit scary or gory.  It definitely isn’t a “good” movie, but I love it.  Some of the co-stars include Edie McClurg (the secretary from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off), Jeff Conaway (Grease), Kurt Fuller (Zachariah from Supernatural, and a million other things) and cameos from Jambi and Miss Yvonne from Pee Wee’s Playhouse!

Overall, this is a fun movie that is great to watch with a group, although if a lot of people are talking you will probably miss a lot of the one-liners.  The real gem is at the end, where Elvira raps and twirls the tassels on her bra without her hands.  Pure magic.

Main course:  There is a scene where Elvira makes some really horrifc looking stew, so how about some Vegan Beer Cheese Soup?  It certainly doesn’t look horrific, but it’s cheesy just like this movie.

Side dish:  Since this movie is cheesy AND corny, why not make some cornbread croutons for your soup?  Simply make your favorite vegan cornbread recipe (I often veganize the recipe on the cornmeal container by using almond milk and a flax seed egg), cut it up into crouton sized pieces, toss with a little oil, and either pan-fry them or bake them at 350 until they are golden brown and crispy.

Dessert:  When in doubt, go with the obvious:  tittycakes!  Elvira is not shy about her rather large breasts, so don’t be shy about piling a cupcake (black cocoa powder with make it darker to match her soul) with a rounded mound of vanilla buttercream.  You can use a variety of things to make the nipple; you can dye a little of the buttercream pink and add a dollop, use a cherry, some sort of red candy, whatever.

 

 

posted: October 4, 2011
under: 80s, comedy, horror, so bad it's good, teen
10 Comments on Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

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