Just in case you thought he wasn’t serious about his name.
Ah, Machete, the best movie to be based on a fake movie trailer in another movie that’s actually based on a character from Spy Kids. That’s right, Machete is technically a spin-off of Spy Kids (both are directed by Robert Rodriguez). Machete is everything that movies like Fastly Furiousest and The Expendables want to be, but fail at, because those movies are full of stupid one-liners and ridiculous stunts that we’re supposed to believe are real. Also those movies don’t have Danny Trejo, who can kill you with a look. Like i’m getting really uncomfortable staring at the photo above as I type this.
Tale as old as time: man goes to save a woman, man finds himself set up and his family killed, man tries to start over in America, man gets set up again and finally says ‘fuck this shit’ and starts to get revenge. Because this is supposed to be like a 70’s exploitation movie, of course every woman in the movie humps Danny Trejo. Just because he’s almost seventy doesn’t mean he can’t get his swerve on. Of course there are lots of explosions, guns, machete fights, gushing blood, and boobs.
If you saw Grindhouse, you’ll notice that they reused some scenes from it, most obviously and purposefully, the scene where Lindsay Lohan and her mom are magically replaced by two completely different women in the pool, that’s from the trailer. The sequel is due out later this year and I can’t wait!
Starring Danny Trejo (Sons of Anarchy, Con Air, so many things), Michelle Rodriguez (Lost, Fast and Furious, Resident Evil, I am genuinely afraid of this woman), Jessica Alba (Dark Angel, The Fantastic 4), Jeff Fahey (Lost, The Lawnmower Man, Planet Terror), Cheech Marin (Lost, Cheech & Chong, Nash Bridges), Tom Savini (monster makeup/FX legend, Dawn of the Dead, Grindhouse, Django Unchained), and a few other people who are super famous and you don’t need me to tell you who they are.
Music bonus: the song that plays during the big fight scene is Yo Oigo, by one of my favorite bands, Girl In A Coma. They’re from San Antonio and Robert Rodriguez directed the video for their cover of As The World Falls Down.
Entree: When there’s a taco truck in a movie and little else in regards to food, you eat tacos! I consulted the Taco Cleanse Expert about which tacos would be best given that the movie takes place in Texas and Mexico, and I was given not one, not two, but three choices and I can’t choose so you get them all! Our TCE also says that homemade tortillas and refried beans are a must.
Side: Not just because Jessica Alba serves Machete a plate where all you can see is rice, but because I like Mexican rice a lot!
Dessert: Unfortunately, making a vegan choco taco at home sounds like a lot of work, so instead make these raspberry filled chocolate cupcakes, adding 1/4-1/2 teaspoon of cayenne pepper to the cupcake batter. The raspberries represent the blood of the people who have wronged you, obviously!