Lights! Camera! Vegan!

Parenthood

 

I get claustrophobic just looking at that many people in one frame.

Parenthood is a movie in which Steve Martin is convinced that he has the most fucked up kids of all time and therefore has very low self-esteem as a father.  Throughout the movie we see that his three siblings all have their own issues with parenting, despite outward appearances. I think the lesson is that raising kids suck no matter who the parents are or what problems the kids do or don’t have.

Also this is the 80’s so there are jokes about vibrators and blowjobs and one of the kids problems is that he masturbates all day (but as Keanu says, “That’s just what little dudes do.”).  Don’t worry, most of those jokes will go right over your kids head!

I know I am kind of phoning this one in but you will have to take my word for it that Parenthood is a very funny movie and even though I watched one whole episode, I can tell it’s way better than the tv show.

Starring Steve Martin (The Jerk, Planes Trains & Automobiles, happy feet), Mary Steenburgen (Back To The Future III, Wilfred), Dianne Wiest (The Lost Boys, Edward Scissorhands), Rick Moranis (Ghostbusters, Little Shop of Horrors), Tom Hulce (Amadeus, The Hunchback of Notre Dame), Martha Plimpton (Raising Hope, Pecker), Keanu Reeves (who?), and Joaquin Phoenix (Walk the Line, Earthlings).

And here is a mini-reunion of the kids in the film:

Entree: Please remember to put your retainer in a safe place, aka not on the table, before you eat a pizza (more cheese is better to properly mimic the kind of pizza you would get at Showbiz, five pounds of grease is optional).
Side: Luckily, no one ever made me play second base…or go to a ball game at all…but I hear that soft pretzels are very popular baseball game foods!
Dessert: Cowboy Gil – as in GUIL-ty – cookies.

posted: September 16, 2013
under: 80s, comedy, kid friendly
2 Comments on Parenthood

Machete

 

Just in case you thought he wasn’t serious about his name.

Ah, Machete, the best movie to be based on a fake movie trailer in another movie that’s actually based on a character from Spy Kids.  That’s right, Machete is technically a spin-off of Spy Kids (both are directed by Robert Rodriguez).  Machete is everything that movies like Fastly Furiousest and The Expendables want to be, but fail at, because those movies are full of stupid one-liners and ridiculous stunts that we’re supposed to believe are real.  Also those movies don’t have Danny Trejo, who can kill you with a look.  Like i’m getting really uncomfortable staring at the photo above as I type this.

Tale as old as time:  man goes to save a woman, man finds himself set up and his family killed, man tries to start over in America, man gets set up again and finally says ‘fuck this shit’ and starts to get revenge.  Because this is supposed to be like a 70’s exploitation movie, of course every woman in the movie humps Danny Trejo.  Just because he’s almost seventy doesn’t mean he can’t get his swerve on.  Of course there are lots of explosions, guns, machete fights, gushing blood, and boobs.

If you saw Grindhouse, you’ll notice that they reused some scenes from it, most obviously and purposefully, the scene where Lindsay Lohan and her mom are magically replaced by two completely different women in the pool, that’s from the trailer.  The sequel is due out later this year and I can’t wait!

Starring Danny Trejo (Sons of Anarchy, Con Air, so many things), Michelle Rodriguez (Lost, Fast and Furious, Resident Evil, I am genuinely afraid of this woman), Jessica Alba (Dark Angel, The Fantastic 4), Jeff Fahey (Lost, The Lawnmower Man, Planet Terror), Cheech Marin (Lost, Cheech & Chong, Nash Bridges), Tom Savini (monster makeup/FX legend, Dawn of the Dead, Grindhouse, Django Unchained), and a few other people who are super famous and you don’t need me to tell you who they are.

Music bonus:  the song that plays during the big fight scene is Yo Oigo, by one of my favorite bands, Girl In A Coma.  They’re from San Antonio and Robert Rodriguez directed the video for their cover of As The World Falls Down.

Entree:  When there’s a taco truck in a movie and little else in regards to food, you eat tacos!  I consulted the Taco Cleanse Expert about which tacos would be best given that the movie takes place in Texas and Mexico, and I was given not one, not two, but three choices and I can’t choose so you get them all!  Our TCE also says that homemade tortillas and refried beans are a must.

Side:  Not just because Jessica Alba serves Machete a plate where all you can see is rice, but because I like Mexican rice a lot!

Dessert:  Unfortunately, making a vegan choco taco at home sounds like a lot of work, so instead make these raspberry filled chocolate cupcakes, adding 1/4-1/2 teaspoon of cayenne pepper to the cupcake batter.  The raspberries represent the blood of the people who have wronged you, obviously!

posted: September 13, 2013
under: 2010s, action, drama
3 Comments on Machete

Fanboys

Who’s ready for a road trip to 1998?  Remember that year, before you knew who JarJar Binks was?  That was truly the age of innocence.  Unfortunately, we can never go back.  Fortunately, I was never that invested in Star Wars to begin with so I was able to say ‘that sucked’ and move on with my life.

In case you didn’t know, Fanboys is about a group of friends who decide that they’re going to drive to the Skywalker Ranch and break in so they can see The Phantom Menace before it’s released in theaters.  Why?  Because one of them has cancer, and if your friend has cancer you help him break into George Lucas’ home.  If I had cancer I would hope that all of you would join me in a van stuffed with bags of vegan marshmallows, destination Rob Thomas’ house.  As you can guess, many wacky hijinks ensue and many cameos are to be had.  I think the nerd van is AMAZING.

This film isn’t without issues, though.  My biggest one is that Kristen Bell, who packs a whole lot of funny in a tiny person, is sorely underused and misused as the token female who is only there to get the stupid guys out of trouble and serve as a love interest.  I’m not very fond of the ‘oh we’re in a gay bar so your threat of anal rape is a total joke on you’ thing either.  The threat of man-on-man rape as an emasculating joke is really tired in general.  Also the sheer amount of Rush.  Although I guess it makes sense that the character who reminds me a lot of Booger from Revenge of the Nerds would be a Rush fan.

My favorite part is when a guy covered in Star Wars tattoos, and a costume-wearing Trekkie, both played by Seth Rogen, meet in the middle of a giant brawl and fight each other.  I believe this is what they call a metaphor.  Although do Star Wars fans and Star Trek fans really hate each other that much?  Everyone I know likes both or just doesn’t care that much about Star Trek.  Although the characters make fun of the Trekkies a lot, they also take a few jabs at the Phantom Menace, including ending the movie with one of the characters asking the others, “What if the movie sucks?”

Starring Jay Baruchel (Undeclared, Tropic Thunder), Dan Fogler (Take Me Home Tonight, Balls of Fury), Sam Huntington (Being Human, Detroit Rock City), Chris Marquette (Freddy vs. Jason, Joan of Arcadia), Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars, Heroes, loving sloths), and honestly so many cameos that you can read the list on Wikipedia if you’re interested.

So you can guess that this will be a Star Wars themed menu, right?  I was hoping to find veganized versions of the recipes that appear in the Star Wars cookbook, but unfortunately there isn’t much.  However, I found two posts with many pictures of Star Wars themed parties that include simple-yet-awesome themed foods here and here.  I mean, come on, Jabba the Hummus?!  How could you not.  The second link is a family who doesn’t eat red meat so they had Chew-Boca burgers.  Vegans, how did we not think of this stuff first?  Do we need to go stand in a corner?  Maybe it’s because i’m so easily impressed by anything punny.

 

 

posted: September 12, 2013
under: 2000s, comedy, period piece
1 Comment on Fanboys

Drop Dead Fred

 

Meet Lizzie, an emotionally repressed woman who lets her mother control her life and looks like a life-sized American Girl Doll.  She is so used to submitting to other people that she ends up in a relationship with a man who treats her like dirt, leaves her for Bridget Fonda, and all she wants in life is to get him back.  She moves back in with her mother, into her unchanged childhood room, where she discovers the box that housed her childhood imaginary friend, Fred.  She untapes the box and nothing happens.  End of movie.  Just kidding, he pops right out and declares that he will help Lizzie do whatever will make her happy, which she thinks is getting her douchebag boyfriend, Charles, back.  Throughout the movie, we see flashbacks of Fred and miniLizzie battling Mega Bitch, aka Lizzie’s overbearing mother.

Now obviously, because Fred has Lizzie’s best interests at heart, he really doesn’t want her to get back with Charles and ruins every attempt.  Because Lizzie is stupid, she doesn’t take the hint and instead decides to take her mother’s advice and starts taking pills to get rid of Fred and gets back together with Charles.  Although it’s supposed to be a comedy, this movie is psychological as all get out.  To quote the Entertainment Weekly review, “The creature who is visible only to the woman is like a poltergeist energy of her repressed self, a problematic ego container into which her powers of assertion and creativity were poured and stored.”  Is Fred really real, or is he Lizzie’s way of asserting herself?  You’ll have to watch the movie to find out!  The most important thing this movie taught me is that if someone breaks your heart, you should wipe a fresh booger on their face.

 

If this is making you wonder, “What happened to Phoebe Cates?”, she married Kevin Kline, had two kids, and then retired (save one movie in 2001) to raise her kids and do other things.  Or maybe she really hated Princes Caraboo and it soured her on acting for life.

Starring Phoebe Cates (Gremlins, Fast Times at Ridgemont High), Rik Mayall (The Young Ones), Marsha Mason (The Goodbye Girl, The Middle), Tim Matheson (Animal House, Van Wilder, The West Wing), Briget Fonda (Jackie Brown, Single White Female), and Carrie Fisher (um, you know).

Entree:  I’ve come down with a bad case of cornflake (crusted seitan) disease!

Side:  Lizzie declares she is going to make Charles The Most Romantic Salad Ever.  I don’t know what she was putting in it, but I think something called Aphrodisiac Salad works.

Dessert:  No, we are not making pants pie.  If you like coffee and booze, there’s a recipe for Manhattan Mud Pie in Vegan Pie In The Sky, but for something simple that looks like mud, stick with Chocolate Pudding Pie.

posted: September 12, 2013
under: 80s, comedy, kid friendly
4 Comments on Drop Dead Fred

Super 8

 

A cookie for whoever can tell me how you can immediately tell this is a J.J. Abrams movie!

It makes sense that one of the only movies i’ve done that has come out in the last five years takes place in 1979.  Kids rarely get to star in action/suspense movies, especially these days, and no, Spy Kids doesn’t count.  This used to be fairly common in the 80’s (Stand By Me, Monster Squad, Goonies, Cloak & Dagger, etc.), and then the Disney channel happened and they decided that child actors belonged with them, forever, we all float down here with Mickey Mouse ears on.  I was going to make a joke about Miley Cyrus but then I remembered what Corey Feldman has been doing this year so I guess once serious child actors can also explode into a big burst of What The Hell too.  Anyway!

Super 8 is about a group of kids who are making a zombie movie, and one night when they’ve all snuck out they witness a horrific train accident when a car purposely stops on the tracks.  They see some odd things, but because they’re kids they’re scared about getting caught sneaking out so they keep this stuff to themselves.  They continue working on the movie as weird things begin to happen around town and the military shows up.  It’s hard to say a lot without giving away the plot of the movie, but you will see many shots of people gawking with their mouths open.  P.S.  Elle Fanning is the cutest zombie and I really thought she was gonna eat that kid for a minute.  Someone get her on The Walking Dead ASAP.

Starring a bunch of kids (who, besides Elle Fanning, don’t have much on their resumes) who are supported by Kyle Chandler (Argo, Friday Night Lights), Ron Eldard (Justified, Sleepers), Noah Emmerich (The Americans, The Truman Show), David Gallagher (7th Heaven, The Vampire Diaries), (Bruce Greenwood (new Star Trek, Double Jeopardy), Glynn Turman (Gremlins, The Wire), Michael Hitchcock (Glee, Best In Show), Joel McKinnon Miller (Big Love, American Horror Story), Richard T. Jones (The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Judging Amy), Dale Dickey (my favorite daytime hooker on My Name Is Earl, True Blood), and you can spot Dan Castellaneta (aka Homer Simpson) as the guy who owns the car lot.  Lots of famous tv actors!

For the menu, let’s set our time machines (please make your own ‘beep bop boop bip beep’ sounds here) to 1979!  Pop open a TAB or some Fresca or mix up some Tang!

Entrée:  I was born in 1980, but I know that in 1979 Hamburger Helper was super popular and I remember eating a lot of it growing up.  I still miss you, Tuna Helper pot pie!  For something vegan and less disgusting, try Tempeh Helper!

Side:  I’m sure your mom wants you to eat something green with your Tempeh Helper, but I just want to eat some Devilish Potatoes.

Dessert:  When I think ‘late 70’s desserts’, I think of various jello salads as far as the eye can see.  Imagine a world with nothing but shrimp jello salads.  Now, you may think that jello salads are gross but I LOVED those things.  Loved loved loved.  I would buy a box of vegan flavored gelatin and fill it up with canned pineapple, Dandies, and all of that good stuff but if you find that horrifying, Susan’s Red, White and Blue Fruit Terrine is less scary.

posted: September 11, 2013
under: 2010s, action, drama, kid friendly, period piece, sci-fi
5 Comments on Super 8

Secretary

 

 

Trying to find SFW screencaps for this movie was hard, because it’s more like SEXretary, am I right?  Okay, not really, but this is a movie about a dominant/submissive relationship between a man and his secretary so there is bondage and all of that fun stuff you don’t want to show your kids.

Lee Holloway is possibly the most passive person on the planet, and will do whatever anyone tells her without seeming to care about any of it.  The only thing she does care about is self harm, and they never really explain why she cuts herself (maybe because her family is a mess), because that’s not the focus of the story.  After being hospitalized for a serious cutting injury, she goes to typing school, gets a certificate, and sets out looking for a job.  Spoiler alert, James Spader is going to hire her and he really likes the fact that she’s like a ball of clay who will change anything that he tells her he finds annoying.  One important part of their relationship is that he’s the first person to directly confront her about her self-harm and why she does it, whereas her family just seems to tip toe around it.

I usually don’t notice things like this, but the set designs in Secretary are beautiful.  Edward’s office is very natural, full of woods and natural colors.  Lee’s house is full of plastic, including the furniture, in a variety of pastel and bright colors.

 

I will admit that I find the scenes leading up to the very end (but not quite the end) to be kind of ridiculous and cheesy, but that decision was purposely made to show that BDSM relationships can be a part of a normal couple’s life and doesn’t have to result in a dark movie or an ending.

Starring James Spader (80’s dickweasel, Boston Legal, The Office), Maggie Gyllenhaal (Donnie Darko, The Dark Knight), Jeremy Davies (Lost, Justified), Lesley Ann Warren (Clue, In Plain Sight), and Amy Locane (Cry-Baby, Airheads).

Thinking up a menu for this movie wasn’t even necessary, because Edward has already told us what to eat!  I will be eating a hell of a lot more than a scoop of potatoes and four peas, though.

Entree:  I am in no mood to try to veganize a porterhouse steak (one of those kinds with a huge bone in it), but I think that Seitan Filet Mignon is a fine stand-in.

Side:  When I googled ‘vegan creamed potatoes’, google was all, “Oh, you want mashed potatoes!” God dammit google, there is a DIFFERENCE.  Then I found these creamed potatoes with peas and that covers all of our bases.

Dessert:  As much ice cream as you’d care to eat, of course!  Although you can see that in the photo above there’s a pie on the table, Lee doesn’t mention it while getting permission to eat so we’re sticking with ice cream.  If you don’t have the means or desire to make your own, I am a big fan of the Purely Decadent Cookie Dough.  Frozen pureed bananas are NOT ice cream.  /soapbox

 

 

posted: September 9, 2013
under: 2000s, drama, romance
3 Comments on Secretary

Clueless

How do we even talk about Clueless?  I feel like trying to describe it is like trying to describe a unicorn sliding down a rainbow while playing a sweet guitar riff.  I also feel like you’ve all seen it so you know, but anyway:  high school!  Rich kids!  Crazy fashions and made up slang!  Finding yourself and realizing that you have depth and a big crush on your ex-stepbrother!  The best soundtrack of any 90’s movie (tied with Empire Records)!

As a teen in the 90’s, I found Clueless totally unrelatable.  I lived in the midwest and dressed (and acted) more like Travis Birkenstock than any of the girls.  Shoes and shopping and parties was not my thing at all, but I was still totally obsessed with the movie and watched it not sporadically.  Because it’s not about being an accurate depiction of teen life, or teaching us a social lesson.  It’s about breaking in your purple clogs.

Beyond the superficial surface, Clueless smartly takes Cher from an almost cartoonish spoiled rich girl to a normal human being.  When the movie is starting and she says, “She’s my friend because we both know what it’s like for people to be jealous of us.” you kind of want to choke her.  And then after a short while you realize that she’s a lot nicer than most popular girls and by the end you want to be her BFF and let her dye your hair in her jet powered bathtub.

The most important thing that Clueless gave us was the sickest burn of all time that I still use, “You’re a virgin who can’t drive.”

If you love cast reunions as much as I do, check out this one:

This movie launched many careers, including Alicia Silverstone, Paul Rudd, Donald Faison, Breckin Meyer, and Jeremy Sisto, and I guess you could say Brittany Murphy if you weren’t a fan of the amazing The Torklesons/Almost Home. Girl was, is, and will always be a star.

Onto the menu!

Entree:  If there was a readily available vegan McMuffin available, I would always be tardy for it.  There are so many ways you can make one, if you want to make your own English Muffins there’s a recipe in Vegan Brunch or the Ezekiel ones are readily available even where I live.  You can make the tofu omelets from the PPK or the fried egg from Betty Goes Vegan,  Top with Upton’s seitan bacon or maybe some Tofurkey slices or just the ‘egg’.  Normally I am down for homemade cheeses but I think in this case it’s some sliced Tofutti/Go Veggie slices or go home (those Daiya slices are awful, sorry).  Be sure to squeeze your VegMuffin while declaring that your buns, they don’t feel nothin’ like steel.

Side:  A plateful of popcorn fries (recipe below) is way better than a handful of popcorn and some bacon and peanut butter m&ms and whatever else is in that quote, and they will go great with your VegMuffin!

Dessert?  Craving an herbal refreshment, you friggin’ pothead?  That’s cool, I support legalizing marijuana and wish that medical marijuana was more widely available.  But in the meantime, make some Chocolate Chip Mint Leaf Icebox Cookies (recipe below) instead. Please don’t drop the entire roll of dough into the oven to impress a guy.

 

And finally the connection to Kevin Bacon from this film is our favorite fashionable vegan herself, Alicia Silverstone.  They were in Beauty Shop together!  Tune in Monday for a new set of movies.

 

Popcorn Fries, from Eat, Drink & Be Vegan, posted with permission by Dreena Burton

2 1/2 T coconut oil

2 1/2-2/34 lb Russet or white potatoes, washed

1/2 t sea salt

1/2-1/2 t ground turmeric (optional, for color)

2-3 T nutritional yeast (the recipe says optional, but in my opinion nooch is always a must)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.  Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.  Cut potatoes (peeling optional) into strips 1/2-in think.  Add coconut oil to baking sheet and place in oven for 2-3 minutes until oil is just melted, then remove from oven and add potatoes, salt and turmeric and carefully toss to combine.  Bake for 60-70 minutes, until potatoes are golden in spots and fully cooked.  If desired, toss in nutritional yeast five minutes before end of baking.

——————————————-

Chocolate Chip Mint Leaf Icebox Cookies, from Vegan Cookies Invade Your Cookie Jar, posted with permission by Terry Romero

(As a side note, I want to say that these are some of my favorite cookies ever and a great use of an overactive mint plant, so if you’ve never tried them, please do!)

1/2 cup fresh mint leaves, lightly packed

1/2 cup nonhydrogenated margarine, softened

1/2 cup nonhydrogentated shortening

1 cup plus 2 T sugar

1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1/4 cup non-dairy milk

1 2/3 cup all purpose flour

1/3 cup cornstarch

1/4 t salt

1/2 t baking soda

1 cup chocolate chips (lightly chop chips if they are very large, this will make slicing through the dough much easier)

 

1.  Wash the mint leaves and pat them dry with a towel or spin them in a salad spinner.  Remove any stems and with a heavy knife mince the leaves very fine.

2.  In a large bowl, using an electric hand mixer, cream together the margarine, shortening, and sugar until light and fluffy, about three minutes.  Scrape down the sides often.  Beat in the vanilla and mint extracts.  Add non-dairy milk and beat until creamy.  Sift in the flour, cornstarch, salt, and baking soda and mix to form a soft dough.  Using a rubber spatula, fold in the finely chopped mint and chocolate chips.  Dough will be slightly sticky.

3.  Scrape the dough, with a rubber spatula, onto a large sheet of wax paper.  Form a log about 2 inches wide and 12 inches long, taking hold of the ends of the wax paper and gently tugging to create a rounder log of dough.  Wrap and tuck in the ends of the wax paper and chill the dough till very firm, at least 2 hours or overnight.

4.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.  Slice the dough into 1/2 inch thick slices, place them at least 2 inches apart on the sheets (cookies will spread), and bake 12 to 14 minutes till the edges start to brown.  Remove the cookies from the oven and allow them to cook 5 minutes before carefully lifting them with a spatula onto wire racks to cool.  Store in a loosely covered container.

 

 

posted: September 7, 2013
under: 90s, comedy, teen
15 Comments on Clueless

200 Cigarettes

 

200 Cigarettes is a movie with an ensemble cast (all of whom are pretty famous now so I can’t even remember their characters names half the time) about various pairings of people on New Years Eve in 1981, in New York City.  What they have in common is that they’re all eventually going to go the same party, and are all at some point going to get in a cab driven by Dave Chapelle.  Occasionally, we’ll flash to the party hostess (Martha Plimpton) losing her friggin’ mind because no one is showing up to her party because they don’t want to get there too early.  I always hated hanging out with people like that, who insisted that we had to sit around their house until 10 pm before going to a bar or a party because ‘no one would be there yet’.  But I turned 50 before I was even old enough to legally drink so what do I know.

My least favorite group is the ‘artist group’ which is a guy, his girlfriend, and her friend who hits on the guy on the sly.  They’re just all annoying and boring.  My favorite is Paul Rudd and Courtney Love being mean to each other and in general being sarcastic assholes.  My favorite single character is Guillermo Diaz because this:

The common theme in each of the stories is that at least one person in each pair/group is having the most dramatic issues ever, Paul Rudd got dumped and it’s his birthday, Kate Hudson is the clumsiest and unluckiest girl in the world, Gaby Hoffman is convinced that she’s going to die in the big bad city, etc.  Then, naturally, they run into problems throughout the night as they navigate their way through the city as Martha Plimpton slowly unravels and eventually decides to drink her part fail sadness away, until she passes out shortly before everyone arrives.  So what happens at the party?

Well, they hilariously skip that except for some polaroid-esque freeze frames, and at the end of the movie we get to see who ended up going home with who.

This is my favorite kind of movie because it’s a comedy, but it’s not full of purposeful jokes so there’s no ‘whomp whomp’ moment if you think a joke isn’t funny.  It’s light-hearted and fun for the most part, and the perfect movie to eat food while watching with friends.  If you talk over a lot of it you’ll obviously miss some of the dialogue, but the plot is pretty easy to follow so no one is going to get lost.

 

I wasn’t kidding about that famous cast!  Most of them weren’t super-famous when the movie was released, but if they weren’t then they are now.  Imma go clockwise from the top left in this photo:  Guillermo Diaz (Half Baked, Weeds, Scandal) Jay Mohr (Jerry McGuire, Suburgatory, stand up) Courtney Love (those movies I mentioned and also a small part in Sid and Nancy where she was actually pretty terrible), Ben Affleck (everything, ruining rage/faux nerds lives right now), Angela Featherstone (The Wedding Singer, the girl on friends who caused Ross to say ‘we were on a break’, Con Air), Paul Rudd (Wet Hot America Summer, 40 Year Old Virgin, Clueless), Martha Plimpton (Goonies, Pecker, Raising Hope, being a badass feminist on twitter), Casey Affleck (yes they’re brothers, he’s also Joaquin Phoenix’s brother-in-law, yes he’s vegan, The Last Kiss, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford), Christina Ricci (Addams Family, Pecker, Monster), Janeane Garofalo (Reality Bites, Wet Hot American Summer, stand up), Dave Chapelle (Half Baked, Con Air, his own tv show, giving the finger to Hollywood),  and down in the corner is Kate Hudson (Almost Famous and a bunch of chick movies i’ve never seen).  Not pictured for some reason is Gaby Hoffman (Uncle Buck, Crystal Fairy, soon the Veronica Mars movie!!!!), and Nicole Ari Parker (Soul Food [tv series], Boogie Nights).  The actors who played Hilary and Eric haven’t done much else worth mentioning.  Phew!  Onto the food!  No one eats a meal at a New Year’s Eve Party, so let’s snack!

 

Snack 1:  I recommend just eating this vegan crab dip with crackers instead of licking it off of Elvis Costello’s glasses.  I’ve never eaten crab dip but since the person who made it isn’t vegan i’ll trust their opinion that it’s similar!

Snack 2: Nothing says ‘I want you to sleep with me, bartender’ like drunkenly demanding (smoky boiled) peanuts.

Snack 3:  Because I have also eaten a huge chili because I thought it was okra, I deeply sympathize with Kate Hudson.  Let’s avoid any possible burning confusing and eat this Bhindi Zunka.

Dessert:  It’s not New Year’s Eve without champagne cupcakes.

 

 

 

posted: September 6, 2013
under: 90s, comedy, period piece
5 Comments on 200 Cigarettes

Man On the Moon

Raise your hand if you immediately started singing ‘Andy Kaufman in the wrestling match, say yeah yeah yeah…”

Man On the Moon is the biography of Andy Kaufman.  Growing up, I had the vaguest idea of who Andy was.  I knew he was on Taxi and I knew he was dead and that a lot of people thought he was really funny and that was really it, my knowledge of comedy was limited to whatever stand-up was on Comedy Central.  And Kids In The Hall.  And MST3K.  But I digress.

I think everyone knows by now that Jim Carrey is a great dramatic actor, like most good comedians because comedy is infinitely harder than any kind of acting.  You can teach people how to act but you can teach people things like comedic timing.  I remember before this came out everyone was like, “Ace Ventura in a serious movie?  Why I never!”  These are possibly the same people who won’t shut up about Batfleck.  (Seriously, get over it.)

Man On the Moon is possibly one of the sweetest movies i’ve ever seen that doesn’t involve dogs trying to find their way home, and y’all know I don’t get down with sappy crappy movies.  Events were dramatized/fudged and shuffled around for the sake of a good movie, but if you don’t go out of this thinking that Andy is one of the best people who ever graced the planet I don’t think you have a soul.  I don’t cry for many things but like Buffy’s The Body, I will weep at the funeral scene every time.  But that doesn’t mean that the movie isn’t also funny and full of cussing and some boobs, just be prepared that you’re gonna be kind of sad at the end.  But only near the end.

The best part is learning that Andy Kaufman didn’t consider himself a comedian, he just really liked to fuck with people, sometimes by morphing into an obnoxious, loud, drunken, untalented lounge singer.  Even if it meant losing fans, he would rather make himself laugh than perform like a typical showbiz monkey.  He was a loner, Dottie.  A rebel.

Starring Jim Carrey (uh, you know), Danny DeVito (Always Sunny, 80’s), Courtney Love (The People vs. Larry Flynt, some band about Holes), Paul Giamatti (Sideways, Saving Private Ryan), the entire cast of Taxi and several other people portraying themselves.

entrée:  one thing that we quickly learn is that Andy Kaufman was a crunchy yoga hippie.  He takes his new manager to an unidentified restaurant, and from looking at the plate in front of him it looks like he’s eating pretty much this.  Anything macrobiotic will work, if you can’t get lotus root where you live.

Side:  Andy was famous for doing a dead-on Elvis impression, and we have to think about what Tony Clifton would want to eat, so chow down on some Elvis sandwiches.  It’s a direct contrast of the entrée, just like the contrast between Andy and Tony.

Dessert:  I really wish I could go to a show that involved the Rockettes and ends with milk and cookies for everyone.

posted: September 4, 2013
under: 90s, comedy, drama
2 Comments on Man On the Moon

Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

 

Who Framed Roger Rabbit is just as funny and entertaining as it was when I was a kid.  Unlike a lot of 80’s special effects, toons hold up extremely well!  Okay, time to pretend that someone reading this hasn’t seen it (I guess if you’re pretty young there’s a chance that you haven’t).

It’s the 1940’s, and toons are real!  They act in cartoons just like humans act in human movies.  Humans and toons get along great, until…someone frames a loveable rabbit for murder.  Then shit starts going south.  There’s some guy named Judge Doom (gee, you think he’s a bad guy?) who wants to dip all of the bad toons in…Dip, which is like acid for toons.  Roger manages to attach himself to a private detective who loves drinking and has the opposite feeling about toons.  Obviously there are some bumps along the way, and a lot of wacky hijinks because it’s half cartoon, but it will probably be okay in the end.

Even though the movie is rated PG, Judge Doom scares the paaaaaaaaaaants off of me, to this day.  Specifically this scene.  I try to tell myself that it’s because Christopher Lloyd is such a wonderful actor and not because i’m a huge baby.  But you know who the best characters in the movies are?

 

Aw yeah, look at those fly motherlovers.  The hyenas from The Lion King wish they were that cool and funny.

Starring Bob Hoskins (Mermaids, Hook), the aforementioned Kathleen Turner, Christopher Lloyd (Back To The Future, Clue), Joanna Cassidy (Body of Proof, Bladerunner), and Charles Fleischer (Rango, lots of other voice work).

 

Entree:  I actually had a surprising amount of trouble finding a savory carrot recipe that wasn’t just like, glazed carrots.  But look, a carrot cashew loaf!

Side:  The bar scenes with Roger are fantastic, and bar food is delightful, especially without all of the smoke and incredibly drunk people.  Bacon wrapped dates, anyone?

Dessert:  Hopefully no one will take blackmail photos of you while you eat these peppermint patty bars.  Alternately, you can make this peppermint patty cake.

posted: September 4, 2013
under: 80s, comedy, kid friendly
5 Comments on Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

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